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Speak truth! Men’s Mental Health

Zillagreybeard

Zillagreybeard

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SB Labs
In this day and age where men keep silent about the majority of the things that they think about, we need to be open here for those type of discussions. There’s too many of us checking out way too early. Let’s have an open dialogue about those things that we leave on said
 
I almost checked out in July but ended up being hospitalized for a week at what was probably one of the best MHUs in the country. I’m glad I made the decision I did.

I’ve been battling complex PTSD since leaving the military, and it hasn’t been easy. I was also diagnosed with an adjustment disorder. Nothing particularly traumatic happened while I was in, but getting injured and readjusting to civilian life became the catalyst. My childhood wasn’t easy either, I was bullied as a kid and even hospitalized at 14. Flashbulb memories and small triggers can still set me off, but it is what it is.

These struggles ended up derailing my chance at a career in law enforcement. I also didnt get to say goodbye to a couple of really good friends... one was killed in Fallujah in 2004, and another died from polypharmacy issues related to the VA.

Over the weekend I intervened in a carjacking in my downtown neighborhood. I heard screaming and found a suspect trying to forcibly pull a young woman from her vehicle. This piece of shit was arrested shortly after near city hall. The victim thanked me and said she couldn't imagine what might have happened if I hadn't been there. I thought the adrenaline crash was what's been affecting me, but I'm really struggling with the aftermath. I don't feel like a hero... the police mentioned that most people don't step in. I just reacted... I was taught to run towards the chaos no matter what.

I've got all the support I need.. my Mom's always had my back, along with my friends, my military brothers (the Veterans' bond is unbreakable), my BJJ crew from the past nine years, and all the people I've trained with at different gyms. Plus, this forum community is solid, and I'm repping an amazing company, so everything's good. Would like to get some more support from the VA but that's a whole other topic.

Still unemployed and hanging by a thread, got 80 bucks in my bank account but I don't let destitute or the thought of it knock me down.

Screenshot_20260203_124405_Photos.jpg
 
Last edited:
I'm 49. I've had chronic pericarditis that led to a non ischemic MI and that ledto finding out that I was in heart failure. That was at the end of 2020. I've been taking HF meds since.
I've had 3 hiatal hernia repairs, 3 nissen fundoplications, a cholecystectomy, skin cancer on my face 5 times, all needing to be cut out, 1 required a 5 hour surgery with plastics to actually close it up.
I've had cancer that I did 7 months of chemo for and 2 serious GI bleeds requiring emergent interventions and blood transfusions.
I've recently had a rotator cuff surgery and bicep tear repair.

I'm on my 3rd marriage, lost my brother about 15 years ago and my dad a couple years ago.

I've had depression for 30 years, but going through chemo really fucked me up. By the end I was standing in my bathroom in the middle of the night and was so sure I was going to off myself.

Since then, I now have passive suicidal ideation. I don't want to off myself, but I hope everyday that I don't wake up or that I die. I just don't care about much of anything anymore. I don't feel like there is a point to life and I don't believe in God. I believe when I die, that's it. It'll just be over.

So now I've become a little reckless. My only interest or hobby is working out and taking gear. I don't expect to live another 5 to 10 years so I'm going to do the things I have an interest in while I'm still alive. Working out and blasting gear.

I can imagine that's sounds contradictory, but if I'm not going to end myself, I might as well do what I want.


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Johnny1976 said:
I'm 49. I've had chronic pericarditis that led to a non ischemic MI and that ledto finding out that I was in heart failure. That was at the end of 2020. I've been taking HF meds since.
I've had 3 hiatal hernia repairs, 3 nissen fundoplications, a cholecystectomy, skin cancer on my face 5 times, all needing to be cut out, 1 required a 5 hour surgery with plastics to actually close it up.
I've had cancer that I did 7 months of chemo for and 2 serious GI bleeds requiring emergent interventions and blood transfusions.
I've recently had a rotator cuff surgery and bicep tear repair.

I'm on my 3rd marriage, lost my brother about 15 years ago and my dad a couple years ago.

I've had depression for 30 years, but going through chemo really fucked me up. By the end I was standing in my bathroom in the middle of the night and was so sure I was going to off myself.

Since then, I now have passive suicidal ideation. I don't want to off myself, but I hope everyday that I don't wake up or that I die. I just don't care about much of anything anymore. I don't feel like there is a point to life and I don't believe in God. I believe when I die, that's it. It'll just be over.

So now I've become a little reckless. My only interest or hobby is working out and taking gear. I don't expect to live another 5 to 10 years so I'm going to do the things I have an interest in while I'm still alive. Working out and blasting gear.

I can imagine that's sounds contradictory, but if I'm not going to end myself, I might as well do what I want.


Sent from my SM-F966U using Tapatalk
Click to expand...
Really sorry to hear about everything that you've gone through, but you're not alone. Minus the cancer, I also could give a laundry list of "life" beatdowns that I've also taken, and I also struggled with depression. I've laid down many nights and hoped and prayed it would be the last time that I woke up. It's tough. People always say that when you feel down, look at other people's stories to feel better and I personally believe that is complete bullshit. Just because my head hurts more does not make yours hurt less. Just because I've been through worse shit doesn’t make your life shit any better. No doubt brother, you've gone through it. Let me repeat that. You've gone through it. That's past tense. You're through it now. You went through it, and you made it. Look at how far you've come and how strong you are. Sure, you've been knocked on your ass and you've felt like giving up, but you didnt. You're still standing. You got back up every time. Don't give up on yourself now.

You said your hobby is working out. Well, life is much the same. You workout and shit gets hard but you grind through it. You get stronger, but the sets dont get easier because the weights get heavier. It never gets easier. You still push yourself harder everyday as you get stronger. Every rep is a mental battle between giving up or pushing through. Thats exactly how life is. You would never quit working out today because of the weight you struggled with 3 years ago so why give up on life tomorrow because of the struggle you had 15 years ago. It was heavy back then, but you did it. You're past that now.

You are a person of value, my brother. The world needs you in it. The people in your life need you and they want you here for as long as possible. Just you like you miss the loved ones that you've lost, your loved ones will miss you the same. Keep fighting for them.

I would like to add one small correction to something that tou said and hopefully it will help change your perspective. You said that you may as well do what you want because you weren't going to commit suicide. No, my brother. Thats incorrect. You should live the life you want because it's your life. You only get it once and you should live it the best that you can. You've fought great battles to make it this far so live it up. Enjoy your life the best that you can. This life is just one very long but yet very brief workout. Just do your best each day, but never give up.
 
Cypher said:
I have zero problem telling people exactly who the fuck I am and where I come from.
Click to expand...
☝ Yes! 100% This shit.

Never be ashamed. The shit we've gone through is like out lineage. It's shaped us and helped make us who we are today.

Cypher said:
I genuinely believe this forum can better folks
Click to expand...
☝ Yes! 100% This shit too!

Like many of us "rejects" and outcasts, I don't have many people in my life, and dont have any family outside of my own house. Being a hermit and extreme introvert doesn't help that much either. Through this forum, I've met so many amazing dudes and some that have genuinely become my friends. Its the ones that I've met here that I call when I need someone to talk to. This forum didnt just better me, in alot of ways, the dudes here really help keep me going.
 
I am Jack's world view.
I see mystery Babylon wherever I look.
I see men striped of their manhood by the zeitgeist.
I see men that must reclaim their leadership.
I see men that must conquer and fail.
I see men that must learn from failure.
I see men that must gain wisdom from failure and conquest.
I see men that must support their families
I see men that must support their friends
I see men that must identify their potential
I see men that must strive towards their potential
I see men that must lead and succeed.
I see men that must try until they die.

Civilization falls when strong men no longer exist. Women depend on strong men. Children depend on strong men. Find a way. Change the zeitgeist. Be strong. Be the hero.
 
All I can add is that day in October, the one where it all changes, I fell asleep the night before - it was a beautiful, sunny day and when I woke, I was dead and in Hell. It’s cold, damp and absolutely bleak and grey. Immediately, I start singing “Oh, Danny Boy” to myself. I’ve been calling it “Danny Boy” weather/time for years now…”The summer’s gone and all the roses dying…"

A switch turned off.

It’s not simply the weather. There’s a long, dark story.

It’s Dantes Inferno, an odyssey; I just call it my journey these days; until that first warm spring day.

Then the switch turns back on.

I’ve escaped Hell once again.

Shit, I made it. Thank the bloody gods!

I'll never surrender.

I always try to maintain exercise, good healthy diet, no intoxicants, but still sometimes that damned Dark Night of the Soul creeps in...

This year I’m just hitting it all harder…the endorphins have always been the thing for me. I’m listening to my body, closely. It tells me what it needs. I need to be vigilant/alert/on point.

Good stuff, gentlemen! Glad to be hear with you. A good day to you all! 😃
 
SB Labs
Cypher said:
I almost checked out in July but ended up being hospitalized for a week at what was probably one of the best MHUs in the country. I’m glad I made the decision I did.

I’ve been battling complex PTSD since leaving the military, and it hasn’t been easy. I was also diagnosed with an adjustment disorder. Nothing particularly traumatic happened while I was in, but getting injured and readjusting to civilian life became the catalyst. My childhood wasn’t easy either, I was bullied as a kid and even hospitalized at 14. Flashbulb memories and small triggers can still set me off, but it is what it is.

These struggles ended up derailing my chance at a career in law enforcement. I also didnt get to say goodbye to a couple of really good friends... one was killed in Fallujah in 2004, and another died from polypharmacy issues related to the VA.

Over the weekend I intervened in a carjacking in my downtown neighborhood. I heard screaming and found a suspect trying to forcibly pull a young woman from her vehicle. This piece of shit was arrested shortly after near city hall. The victim thanked me and said she couldn't imagine what might have happened if I hadn't been there. I thought the adrenaline crash was what's been affecting me, but I'm really struggling with the aftermath. I don't feel like a hero... the police mentioned that most people don't step in. I just reacted... I was taught to run towards the chaos no matter what.

I've got all the support I need.. my Mom's always had my back, along with my friends, my military brothers (the Veterans' bond is unbreakable), my BJJ crew from the past nine years, and all the people I've trained with at different gyms. Plus, this forum community is solid, and I'm repping an amazing company, so everything's good. Would like to get some more support from the VA but that's a whole other topic.

Still unemployed and hanging by a thread, got 80 bucks in my bank account but I don't let destitute or the thought of it knock me down.

View attachment 233599
Click to expand...
Be strong brother, been in the same fucked up situation as you.
Glad your still with us man.
 
Johnny1976 said:
I'm 49. I've had chronic pericarditis that led to a non ischemic MI and that ledto finding out that I was in heart failure. That was at the end of 2020. I've been taking HF meds since.
I've had 3 hiatal hernia repairs, 3 nissen fundoplications, a cholecystectomy, skin cancer on my face 5 times, all needing to be cut out, 1 required a 5 hour surgery with plastics to actually close it up.
I've had cancer that I did 7 months of chemo for and 2 serious GI bleeds requiring emergent interventions and blood transfusions.
I've recently had a rotator cuff surgery and bicep tear repair.

I'm on my 3rd marriage, lost my brother about 15 years ago and my dad a couple years ago.

I've had depression for 30 years, but going through chemo really fucked me up. By the end I was standing in my bathroom in the middle of the night and was so sure I was going to off myself.

Since then, I now have passive suicidal ideation. I don't want to off myself, but I hope everyday that I don't wake up or that I die. I just don't care about much of anything anymore. I don't feel like there is a point to life and I don't believe in God. I believe when I die, that's it. It'll just be over.

So now I've become a little reckless. My only interest or hobby is working out and taking gear. I don't expect to live another 5 to 10 years so I'm going to do the things I have an interest in while I'm still alive. Working out and blasting gear.

I can imagine that's sounds contradictory, but if I'm not going to end myself, I might as well do what I want.


Sent from my SM-F966U using Tapatalk
Click to expand...
Shit gets hard but keep pushing brother and focus on the things you can control.
 
Cypher said:
I almost checked out in July but ended up being hospitalized for a week at what was probably one of the best MHUs in the country. I’m glad I made the decision I did.

I’ve been battling complex PTSD since leaving the military, and it hasn’t been easy. I was also diagnosed with an adjustment disorder. Nothing particularly traumatic happened while I was in, but getting injured and readjusting to civilian life became the catalyst. My childhood wasn’t easy either, I was bullied as a kid and even hospitalized at 14. Flashbulb memories and small triggers can still set me off, but it is what it is.

These struggles ended up derailing my chance at a career in law enforcement. I also didnt get to say goodbye to a couple of really good friends... one was killed in Fallujah in 2004, and another died from polypharmacy issues related to the VA.

Over the weekend I intervened in a carjacking in my downtown neighborhood. I heard screaming and found a suspect trying to forcibly pull a young woman from her vehicle. This piece of shit was arrested shortly after near city hall. The victim thanked me and said she couldn't imagine what might have happened if I hadn't been there. I thought the adrenaline crash was what's been affecting me, but I'm really struggling with the aftermath. I don't feel like a hero... the police mentioned that most people don't step in. I just reacted... I was taught to run towards the chaos no matter what.

I've got all the support I need.. my Mom's always had my back, along with my friends, my military brothers (the Veterans' bond is unbreakable), my BJJ crew from the past nine years, and all the people I've trained with at different gyms. Plus, this forum community is solid, and I'm repping an amazing company, so everything's good. Would like to get some more support from the VA but that's a whole other topic.

Still unemployed and hanging by a thread, got 80 bucks in my bank account but I don't let destitute or the thought of it knock me down.

View attachment 233599
Click to expand...
Sounds like you are stronger than anything that challenges you.
 
Always glad to see threads like this. Need more if you ask me. Bring these things into the light where it needs to be. If spilling your guts makes the difference between life and death for ONE person who reads these kinds of things then it's more than worth it. It can take a lifetime for someone to open up about their trauma. Sometimes they never open up because it's just too hard but because one person did and they read it and it changed their mind, something moved in their heart and gave them hope and the strength somehow to carry on is priceless. Exposing your soul to the whole world is no small matter and takes a lot of courage. My hats off and hand extended to anyone who can open up like that. You may have just saved a life.

God bless all of you. 🙏
Never give up. Never surrender.
 
Johnny1976 said:
I'm 49. I've had chronic pericarditis that led to a non ischemic MI and that ledto finding out that I was in heart failure. That was at the end of 2020. I've been taking HF meds since.
I've had 3 hiatal hernia repairs, 3 nissen fundoplications, a cholecystectomy, skin cancer on my face 5 times, all needing to be cut out, 1 required a 5 hour surgery with plastics to actually close it up.
I've had cancer that I did 7 months of chemo for and 2 serious GI bleeds requiring emergent interventions and blood transfusions.
I've recently had a rotator cuff surgery and bicep tear repair.

I'm on my 3rd marriage, lost my brother about 15 years ago and my dad a couple years ago.

I've had depression for 30 years, but going through chemo really fucked me up. By the end I was standing in my bathroom in the middle of the night and was so sure I was going to off myself.

Since then, I now have passive suicidal ideation. I don't want to off myself, but I hope everyday that I don't wake up or that I die. I just don't care about much of anything anymore. I don't feel like there is a point to life and I don't believe in God. I believe when I die, that's it. It'll just be over.

So now I've become a little reckless. My only interest or hobby is working out and taking gear. I don't expect to live another 5 to 10 years so I'm going to do the things I have an interest in while I'm still alive. Working out and blasting gear.

I can imagine that's sounds contradictory, but if I'm not going to end myself, I might as well do what I want.


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Click to expand...
Bro, chemo and radiation is no joke. It f's you up mentally and physically in ways that people wouldn't believe.
 
Johnny1976 said:
I'm 49. I've had chronic pericarditis that led to a non ischemic MI and that ledto finding out that I was in heart failure. That was at the end of 2020. I've been taking HF meds since.
I've had 3 hiatal hernia repairs, 3 nissen fundoplications, a cholecystectomy, skin cancer on my face 5 times, all needing to be cut out, 1 required a 5 hour surgery with plastics to actually close it up.
I've had cancer that I did 7 months of chemo for and 2 serious GI bleeds requiring emergent interventions and blood transfusions.
I've recently had a rotator cuff surgery and bicep tear repair.

I'm on my 3rd marriage, lost my brother about 15 years ago and my dad a couple years ago.

I've had depression for 30 years, but going through chemo really fucked me up. By the end I was standing in my bathroom in the middle of the night and was so sure I was going to off myself.

Since then, I now have passive suicidal ideation. I don't want to off myself, but I hope everyday that I don't wake up or that I die. I just don't care about much of anything anymore. I don't feel like there is a point to life and I don't believe in God. I believe when I die, that's it. It'll just be over.

So now I've become a little reckless. My only interest or hobby is working out and taking gear. I don't expect to live another 5 to 10 years so I'm going to do the things I have an interest in while I'm still alive. Working out and blasting gear.

I can imagine that's sounds contradictory, but if I'm not going to end myself, I might as well do what I want.


Sent from my SM-F966U using Tapatalk
Click to expand...
Think your being tested?
You been through some shit, me personally Ive managed to keep my
health so far, but the loss of my daughter has made me numb to a lot of shit.. Really I know that depression your going through. And your train of thought.

What did Henry Rollins say?

The Iron never lies to you. You can walk outside and listen to all kinds of talk, get told that you’re a god or a total bastard. The Iron will always kick you the real deal. The Iron is the great reference point, the all-knowing perspective giver. Always there like a beacon in the pitch black. I have found the Iron to be my greatest friend. It never freaks out on me, never runs.

Friends may come and go. But two hundred pounds is always two hundred pounds.”

Henry Rollins
 
I’ve always said that I don’t go to the gym to work out. I go to church to get things off my head. Henry Rollins was correct that Iron never lies. Gentlemen just keep pushing forward. I don’t know where you guys are as far as spiritually, but that is played a major role in my life if anyone like to discuss that I’m definitely open to it.
 
Cypher said:
I almost checked out in July but ended up being hospitalized for a week at what was probably one of the best MHUs in the country. I’m glad I made the decision I did.

I’ve been battling complex PTSD since leaving the military, and it hasn’t been easy. I was also diagnosed with an adjustment disorder. Nothing particularly traumatic happened while I was in, but getting injured and readjusting to civilian life became the catalyst. My childhood wasn’t easy either, I was bullied as a kid and even hospitalized at 14. Flashbulb memories and small triggers can still set me off, but it is what it is.

These struggles ended up derailing my chance at a career in law enforcement. I also didnt get to say goodbye to a couple of really good friends... one was killed in Fallujah in 2004, and another died from polypharmacy issues related to the VA.

Over the weekend I intervened in a carjacking in my downtown neighborhood. I heard screaming and found a suspect trying to forcibly pull a young woman from her vehicle. This piece of shit was arrested shortly after near city hall. The victim thanked me and said she couldn't imagine what might have happened if I hadn't been there. I thought the adrenaline crash was what's been affecting me, but I'm really struggling with the aftermath. I don't feel like a hero... the police mentioned that most people don't step in. I just reacted... I was taught to run towards the chaos no matter what.

I've got all the support I need.. my Mom's always had my back, along with my friends, my military brothers (the Veterans' bond is unbreakable), my BJJ crew from the past nine years, and all the people I've trained with at different gyms. Plus, this forum community is solid, and I'm repping an amazing company, so everything's good. Would like to get some more support from the VA but that's a whole other topic.

Still unemployed and hanging by a thread, got 80 bucks in my bank account but I don't let destitute or the thought of it knock me down.

View attachment 233599
Click to expand...
thanks for your service dude---i am jealous of everyone who served---you sound like you will make it just fine and god bless ya!
 
i sit at home past several years while wife goes off to work-- drs and wife forced me into retirement due to heart, spine and epilepsy and it sucks because most of my adult life i felt like superman---i am slowy getting back into shape but its fucking hard because the slightest wrong move and i an in bed for days---i know there are a ton of people with worse problems and i feel for them.
 
Men never get to share their feelings. In a relationship it is often seen as a "weakness" and many women will look down on you, if you tell them you are depressed or sad.

This must change

Also in a Custody battle, men and fathers are always underestimated. Just because they don't carry the child for 9months they are seen as a lesser parent in this day and age.

Don't get me started on society. There is a clear and precise attack on Family, Men and masculinity.

A white male 20-40 years of age is the most discriminated against Entity on Planet Earth right now. That needs to change. Some of it is because Women think they can do anything they want, in "equality". This includes cheating or emotional cheating.

When I went to Israel and I was in Tel Aviv and Jerusalem, I can honestly say that women greatly outnumbered Men. By a huge margin. They respect men out there much better then they do here in America. Its not just society but also it has to do alot of where you are from. For instance I noticed in the USA, women from the South are sweeter, friendlier, more trustworthy and kinder overall. In the North, alot of women are entitled feeling. They literally think they are doing men a favor by dating them and that we should accept their horrific behaviors and be happy about that.

Nope.
 
SB Labs
I think some guys have a misconception that if they talk about deep/hurting issues that is some kind of complaining. For anyone out there, if that is you pay no mind. So many good man have taken their lives for holding certain things inside. Reach out to your close friends, loved ones or even someone on here. If they think you are complaining, they aren't worth your time and in many cases that person is going through or has been through something similar. Hell, if you are in a bad way and just want to get shit out, DM me. I will certainly listen.

It takes a man to express themselves.
 
Cypher said:
@GYMnTONIC Come to the Bay Area and go on a date… half the time it’s a tech girl or boss babe, and it feels more like a job interview than a date. Honestly, I’d rather get my teeth pulled.

ENTITLED is the word for sure, brother.
Click to expand...
My favorite part of my first visit to San Francisco many years back (I was competing in Napa Valley) and I saw a huge sign on the Golden Gate Bridge that said "HOME OF THE FRUITS and the NUTS"

LOL, true story.
 
lottalead said:
i sit at home past several years while wife goes off to work-- drs and wife forced me into retirement due to heart, spine and epilepsy and it sucks because most of my adult life i felt like superman---i am slowy getting back into shape but its fucking hard because the slightest wrong move and i an in bed for days---i know there are a ton of people with worse problems and i feel for them.
Click to expand...
Man just do what you can and take it easy. Just getting in there and moving is better than sitting at home doing nothing. Put your earbuds in put your music in and go to church.
 
Meetketchup said:
I think some guys have a misconception that if they talk about deep/hurting issues that is some kind of complaining. For anyone out there, if that is you pay no mind. So many good man have taken their lives for holding certain things inside. Reach out to your close friends, loved ones or even someone on here. If they think you are complaining, they aren't worth your time and in many cases that person is going through or has been through something similar. Hell, if you are in a bad way and just want to get shit out, DM me. I will certainly listen.

It takes a man to express themselves.
Click to expand...
So very true brother
 
Johnny1976 said:
I'm 49. I've had chronic pericarditis that led to a non ischemic MI and that ledto finding out that I was in heart failure. That was at the end of 2020. I've been taking HF meds since.
I've had 3 hiatal hernia repairs, 3 nissen fundoplications, a cholecystectomy, skin cancer on my face 5 times, all needing to be cut out, 1 required a 5 hour surgery with plastics to actually close it up.
I've had cancer that I did 7 months of chemo for and 2 serious GI bleeds requiring emergent interventions and blood transfusions.
I've recently had a rotator cuff surgery and bicep tear repair.

I'm on my 3rd marriage, lost my brother about 15 years ago and my dad a couple years ago.

I've had depression for 30 years, but going through chemo really fucked me up. By the end I was standing in my bathroom in the middle of the night and was so sure I was going to off myself.

Since then, I now have passive suicidal ideation. I don't want to off myself, but I hope everyday that I don't wake up or that I die. I just don't care about much of anything anymore. I don't feel like there is a point to life and I don't believe in God. I believe when I die, that's it. It'll just be over.

So now I've become a little reckless. My only interest or hobby is working out and taking gear. I don't expect to live another 5 to 10 years so I'm going to do the things I have an interest in while I'm still alive. Working out and blasting gear.

I can imagine that's sounds contradictory, but if I'm not going to end myself, I might as well do what I want.


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Click to expand...

That's a lot, Brother..!!!
The Gym..has gotten me through most of life's obstacles..and restored my sanity..
Stay strong..
Z
 
GhostReaper said:
That's a lot, Brother..!!!
The Gym..has gotten me through most of life's obstacles..and restored my sanity..
Stay strong..
Z
Click to expand...
Yeah, the gym has really become my go to when things are rough. I just enjoy being around like minded people.
In October when I had my shoulder surgery and bicep repair, the amount of people that started talking to me and asking me how things were coming along was really nice. I still talk to these people now.


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