Zillagreybeard
Registered
- Joined
- Jul 23, 2025
- Messages
- 90
- Reaction score
- 135

Really sorry to hear about everything that you've gone through, but you're not alone. Minus the cancer, I also could give a laundry list of "life" beatdowns that I've also taken, and I also struggled with depression. I've laid down many nights and hoped and prayed it would be the last time that I woke up. It's tough. People always say that when you feel down, look at other people's stories to feel better and I personally believe that is complete bullshit. Just because my head hurts more does not make yours hurt less. Just because I've been through worse shit doesn’t make your life shit any better. No doubt brother, you've gone through it. Let me repeat that. You've gone through it. That's past tense. You're through it now. You went through it, and you made it. Look at how far you've come and how strong you are. Sure, you've been knocked on your ass and you've felt like giving up, but you didnt. You're still standing. You got back up every time. Don't give up on yourself now.I'm 49. I've had chronic pericarditis that led to a non ischemic MI and that ledto finding out that I was in heart failure. That was at the end of 2020. I've been taking HF meds since.
I've had 3 hiatal hernia repairs, 3 nissen fundoplications, a cholecystectomy, skin cancer on my face 5 times, all needing to be cut out, 1 required a 5 hour surgery with plastics to actually close it up.
I've had cancer that I did 7 months of chemo for and 2 serious GI bleeds requiring emergent interventions and blood transfusions.
I've recently had a rotator cuff surgery and bicep tear repair.
I'm on my 3rd marriage, lost my brother about 15 years ago and my dad a couple years ago.
I've had depression for 30 years, but going through chemo really fucked me up. By the end I was standing in my bathroom in the middle of the night and was so sure I was going to off myself.
Since then, I now have passive suicidal ideation. I don't want to off myself, but I hope everyday that I don't wake up or that I die. I just don't care about much of anything anymore. I don't feel like there is a point to life and I don't believe in God. I believe when I die, that's it. It'll just be over.
So now I've become a little reckless. My only interest or hobby is working out and taking gear. I don't expect to live another 5 to 10 years so I'm going to do the things I have an interest in while I'm still alive. Working out and blasting gear.
I can imagine that's sounds contradictory, but if I'm not going to end myself, I might as well do what I want.
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☝ Yes! 100% This shit.I have zero problem telling people exactly who the fuck I am and where I come from.
☝ Yes! 100% This shit too!I genuinely believe this forum can better folks

Be strong brother, been in the same fucked up situation as you.I almost checked out in July but ended up being hospitalized for a week at what was probably one of the best MHUs in the country. I’m glad I made the decision I did.
I’ve been battling complex PTSD since leaving the military, and it hasn’t been easy. I was also diagnosed with an adjustment disorder. Nothing particularly traumatic happened while I was in, but getting injured and readjusting to civilian life became the catalyst. My childhood wasn’t easy either, I was bullied as a kid and even hospitalized at 14. Flashbulb memories and small triggers can still set me off, but it is what it is.
These struggles ended up derailing my chance at a career in law enforcement. I also didnt get to say goodbye to a couple of really good friends... one was killed in Fallujah in 2004, and another died from polypharmacy issues related to the VA.
Over the weekend I intervened in a carjacking in my downtown neighborhood. I heard screaming and found a suspect trying to forcibly pull a young woman from her vehicle. This piece of shit was arrested shortly after near city hall. The victim thanked me and said she couldn't imagine what might have happened if I hadn't been there. I thought the adrenaline crash was what's been affecting me, but I'm really struggling with the aftermath. I don't feel like a hero... the police mentioned that most people don't step in. I just reacted... I was taught to run towards the chaos no matter what.
I've got all the support I need.. my Mom's always had my back, along with my friends, my military brothers (the Veterans' bond is unbreakable), my BJJ crew from the past nine years, and all the people I've trained with at different gyms. Plus, this forum community is solid, and I'm repping an amazing company, so everything's good. Would like to get some more support from the VA but that's a whole other topic.
Still unemployed and hanging by a thread, got 80 bucks in my bank account but I don't let destitute or the thought of it knock me down.
View attachment 233599
Shit gets hard but keep pushing brother and focus on the things you can control.I'm 49. I've had chronic pericarditis that led to a non ischemic MI and that ledto finding out that I was in heart failure. That was at the end of 2020. I've been taking HF meds since.
I've had 3 hiatal hernia repairs, 3 nissen fundoplications, a cholecystectomy, skin cancer on my face 5 times, all needing to be cut out, 1 required a 5 hour surgery with plastics to actually close it up.
I've had cancer that I did 7 months of chemo for and 2 serious GI bleeds requiring emergent interventions and blood transfusions.
I've recently had a rotator cuff surgery and bicep tear repair.
I'm on my 3rd marriage, lost my brother about 15 years ago and my dad a couple years ago.
I've had depression for 30 years, but going through chemo really fucked me up. By the end I was standing in my bathroom in the middle of the night and was so sure I was going to off myself.
Since then, I now have passive suicidal ideation. I don't want to off myself, but I hope everyday that I don't wake up or that I die. I just don't care about much of anything anymore. I don't feel like there is a point to life and I don't believe in God. I believe when I die, that's it. It'll just be over.
So now I've become a little reckless. My only interest or hobby is working out and taking gear. I don't expect to live another 5 to 10 years so I'm going to do the things I have an interest in while I'm still alive. Working out and blasting gear.
I can imagine that's sounds contradictory, but if I'm not going to end myself, I might as well do what I want.
Sent from my SM-F966U using Tapatalk
Sounds like you are stronger than anything that challenges you.I almost checked out in July but ended up being hospitalized for a week at what was probably one of the best MHUs in the country. I’m glad I made the decision I did.
I’ve been battling complex PTSD since leaving the military, and it hasn’t been easy. I was also diagnosed with an adjustment disorder. Nothing particularly traumatic happened while I was in, but getting injured and readjusting to civilian life became the catalyst. My childhood wasn’t easy either, I was bullied as a kid and even hospitalized at 14. Flashbulb memories and small triggers can still set me off, but it is what it is.
These struggles ended up derailing my chance at a career in law enforcement. I also didnt get to say goodbye to a couple of really good friends... one was killed in Fallujah in 2004, and another died from polypharmacy issues related to the VA.
Over the weekend I intervened in a carjacking in my downtown neighborhood. I heard screaming and found a suspect trying to forcibly pull a young woman from her vehicle. This piece of shit was arrested shortly after near city hall. The victim thanked me and said she couldn't imagine what might have happened if I hadn't been there. I thought the adrenaline crash was what's been affecting me, but I'm really struggling with the aftermath. I don't feel like a hero... the police mentioned that most people don't step in. I just reacted... I was taught to run towards the chaos no matter what.
I've got all the support I need.. my Mom's always had my back, along with my friends, my military brothers (the Veterans' bond is unbreakable), my BJJ crew from the past nine years, and all the people I've trained with at different gyms. Plus, this forum community is solid, and I'm repping an amazing company, so everything's good. Would like to get some more support from the VA but that's a whole other topic.
Still unemployed and hanging by a thread, got 80 bucks in my bank account but I don't let destitute or the thought of it knock me down.
View attachment 233599

Bro, chemo and radiation is no joke. It f's you up mentally and physically in ways that people wouldn't believe.I'm 49. I've had chronic pericarditis that led to a non ischemic MI and that ledto finding out that I was in heart failure. That was at the end of 2020. I've been taking HF meds since.
I've had 3 hiatal hernia repairs, 3 nissen fundoplications, a cholecystectomy, skin cancer on my face 5 times, all needing to be cut out, 1 required a 5 hour surgery with plastics to actually close it up.
I've had cancer that I did 7 months of chemo for and 2 serious GI bleeds requiring emergent interventions and blood transfusions.
I've recently had a rotator cuff surgery and bicep tear repair.
I'm on my 3rd marriage, lost my brother about 15 years ago and my dad a couple years ago.
I've had depression for 30 years, but going through chemo really fucked me up. By the end I was standing in my bathroom in the middle of the night and was so sure I was going to off myself.
Since then, I now have passive suicidal ideation. I don't want to off myself, but I hope everyday that I don't wake up or that I die. I just don't care about much of anything anymore. I don't feel like there is a point to life and I don't believe in God. I believe when I die, that's it. It'll just be over.
So now I've become a little reckless. My only interest or hobby is working out and taking gear. I don't expect to live another 5 to 10 years so I'm going to do the things I have an interest in while I'm still alive. Working out and blasting gear.
I can imagine that's sounds contradictory, but if I'm not going to end myself, I might as well do what I want.
Sent from my SM-F966U using Tapatalk
Think your being tested?I'm 49. I've had chronic pericarditis that led to a non ischemic MI and that ledto finding out that I was in heart failure. That was at the end of 2020. I've been taking HF meds since.
I've had 3 hiatal hernia repairs, 3 nissen fundoplications, a cholecystectomy, skin cancer on my face 5 times, all needing to be cut out, 1 required a 5 hour surgery with plastics to actually close it up.
I've had cancer that I did 7 months of chemo for and 2 serious GI bleeds requiring emergent interventions and blood transfusions.
I've recently had a rotator cuff surgery and bicep tear repair.
I'm on my 3rd marriage, lost my brother about 15 years ago and my dad a couple years ago.
I've had depression for 30 years, but going through chemo really fucked me up. By the end I was standing in my bathroom in the middle of the night and was so sure I was going to off myself.
Since then, I now have passive suicidal ideation. I don't want to off myself, but I hope everyday that I don't wake up or that I die. I just don't care about much of anything anymore. I don't feel like there is a point to life and I don't believe in God. I believe when I die, that's it. It'll just be over.
So now I've become a little reckless. My only interest or hobby is working out and taking gear. I don't expect to live another 5 to 10 years so I'm going to do the things I have an interest in while I'm still alive. Working out and blasting gear.
I can imagine that's sounds contradictory, but if I'm not going to end myself, I might as well do what I want.
Sent from my SM-F966U using Tapatalk
thanks for your service dude---i am jealous of everyone who served---you sound like you will make it just fine and god bless ya!I almost checked out in July but ended up being hospitalized for a week at what was probably one of the best MHUs in the country. I’m glad I made the decision I did.
I’ve been battling complex PTSD since leaving the military, and it hasn’t been easy. I was also diagnosed with an adjustment disorder. Nothing particularly traumatic happened while I was in, but getting injured and readjusting to civilian life became the catalyst. My childhood wasn’t easy either, I was bullied as a kid and even hospitalized at 14. Flashbulb memories and small triggers can still set me off, but it is what it is.
These struggles ended up derailing my chance at a career in law enforcement. I also didnt get to say goodbye to a couple of really good friends... one was killed in Fallujah in 2004, and another died from polypharmacy issues related to the VA.
Over the weekend I intervened in a carjacking in my downtown neighborhood. I heard screaming and found a suspect trying to forcibly pull a young woman from her vehicle. This piece of shit was arrested shortly after near city hall. The victim thanked me and said she couldn't imagine what might have happened if I hadn't been there. I thought the adrenaline crash was what's been affecting me, but I'm really struggling with the aftermath. I don't feel like a hero... the police mentioned that most people don't step in. I just reacted... I was taught to run towards the chaos no matter what.
I've got all the support I need.. my Mom's always had my back, along with my friends, my military brothers (the Veterans' bond is unbreakable), my BJJ crew from the past nine years, and all the people I've trained with at different gyms. Plus, this forum community is solid, and I'm repping an amazing company, so everything's good. Would like to get some more support from the VA but that's a whole other topic.
Still unemployed and hanging by a thread, got 80 bucks in my bank account but I don't let destitute or the thought of it knock me down.
View attachment 233599
My favorite part of my first visit to San Francisco many years back (I was competing in Napa Valley) and I saw a huge sign on the Golden Gate Bridge that said "HOME OF THE FRUITS and the NUTS"@GYMnTONIC Come to the Bay Area and go on a date… half the time it’s a tech girl or boss babe, and it feels more like a job interview than a date. Honestly, I’d rather get my teeth pulled.
ENTITLED is the word for sure, brother.
Man just do what you can and take it easy. Just getting in there and moving is better than sitting at home doing nothing. Put your earbuds in put your music in and go to church.i sit at home past several years while wife goes off to work-- drs and wife forced me into retirement due to heart, spine and epilepsy and it sucks because most of my adult life i felt like superman---i am slowy getting back into shape but its fucking hard because the slightest wrong move and i an in bed for days---i know there are a ton of people with worse problems and i feel for them.
So very true brotherI think some guys have a misconception that if they talk about deep/hurting issues that is some kind of complaining. For anyone out there, if that is you pay no mind. So many good man have taken their lives for holding certain things inside. Reach out to your close friends, loved ones or even someone on here. If they think you are complaining, they aren't worth your time and in many cases that person is going through or has been through something similar. Hell, if you are in a bad way and just want to get shit out, DM me. I will certainly listen.
It takes a man to express themselves.
I'm 49. I've had chronic pericarditis that led to a non ischemic MI and that ledto finding out that I was in heart failure. That was at the end of 2020. I've been taking HF meds since.
I've had 3 hiatal hernia repairs, 3 nissen fundoplications, a cholecystectomy, skin cancer on my face 5 times, all needing to be cut out, 1 required a 5 hour surgery with plastics to actually close it up.
I've had cancer that I did 7 months of chemo for and 2 serious GI bleeds requiring emergent interventions and blood transfusions.
I've recently had a rotator cuff surgery and bicep tear repair.
I'm on my 3rd marriage, lost my brother about 15 years ago and my dad a couple years ago.
I've had depression for 30 years, but going through chemo really fucked me up. By the end I was standing in my bathroom in the middle of the night and was so sure I was going to off myself.
Since then, I now have passive suicidal ideation. I don't want to off myself, but I hope everyday that I don't wake up or that I die. I just don't care about much of anything anymore. I don't feel like there is a point to life and I don't believe in God. I believe when I die, that's it. It'll just be over.
So now I've become a little reckless. My only interest or hobby is working out and taking gear. I don't expect to live another 5 to 10 years so I'm going to do the things I have an interest in while I'm still alive. Working out and blasting gear.
I can imagine that's sounds contradictory, but if I'm not going to end myself, I might as well do what I want.
Sent from my SM-F966U using Tapatalk
Yeah, the gym has really become my go to when things are rough. I just enjoy being around like minded people.That's a lot, Brother..!!!
The Gym..has gotten me through most of life's obstacles..and restored my sanity..
Stay strong..
Z
F that..!!!In a world that wants weak me, let’s show them what they are missing. Warriors

