Big Jimmy's Lifting Journal
Entry #42: “Science, Bro.”
Day 1
Heard that natural gains are for people who “don’t want it bad enough.” I want it bad enough. Vinny sold me a “starter steroid kit” out of his trunk — one vial, one needle, and a motivational quote: “Pain is just your muscles crying tears of success.”
First shot went great! Felt like a superhero. Biceps looked 4% bigger instantly (might’ve been the lighting). Needle went in smooth. 10/10. Easy.
Day 2
Forgot to buy new needles. Vinny said, “Just reuse it, bro. It’s like recycling — for your gains.” Makes sense. Save the planet, save my wallet.
Needle looked a little bent. Like it had opinions about being reused. Still worked, though. Felt a sting, but that’s probably just my body adapting to greatness.
Day 3
Noticed the needle tip looks like a fish hook now. Tried to straighten it with pliers. Precision work — like surgery.
Also, tried “sterilizing” it with hand sanitizer and a lighter. Now it’s black and smells like burnt regret. Used it anyway. Muscle science waits for no man.
Day 4
Arm hurts. Feels like it’s pulsating to a beat only it can hear. Googled “needle reuse side effects.” Closed the tab immediately — negative energy is bad for gains.
Vinny says it’s just “testosterone expanding my tissues.” Sounds legit. Ice pack time.
Day 5
Needle broke mid-injection. Half of it disappeared. Spent an hour flexing in front of the mirror hoping it’d pop out.
On the bright side, left bicep looks slightly more swollen than right — symmetry is overrated anyway.
Day 6
Went to urgent care. Nurse asked, “How many times did you use the same needle?”
I said, “Depends, are we counting emotional uses?”
She didn’t laugh. Pretty sure she called me “a cautionary tale.”
Day 7
No more steroids. Back to protein shakes and prayer. Vinny says he’s moving on to “herbal pre-workout made from ground-up bull testosterone.” I told him I’m taking a break from science.
Moral of the story:
New needles are cheaper than hospital bills, and flexing is free.