I got fired from PC World today.
A guy came in the store and asked me what was the best thing for finding your ancestors.“Probably a shovel” was not the right answer.
Funny Thread
- Thread starter Multislacking
- Start date
“Probably a shovel” was not the right answer.
A little girl asks her father where people came from.
He explained about Adam and Eve and they were our original ancestors and they had babies and that's where we came from.Later that day the girl asked her Mom who explained that their ancestors were monkeys and apes and humans evolved from the monkeys. "So, our relatives are monkeys?" "That's right, dear"
Now the little girl was angry and stomped into the living room to see her Dad and told him what her Mom said. "You lied to me!" the little girl shouted at him.
No I didn't honey. Your Mom was talking about her side of the family
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year..
..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".
One week later, the Punch newspaper in Ibadan, Nigeria, reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard, Lucky Obuijsule a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Lucky has therefore concluded that more than 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless."
Did you ever wonder...
how many animals our ancestors had to sit on before they learned that horses were the most capable?
In the year XXXX, two scientists discover how to time travel. One of them tries to test it.
After a few minutes, he returns and tells the other: ''Our ancestors had to deal with a lot of shit: they forced women to give birth to the seed of their own family members, they were treating rats as unnatural spawns of the devil sent for harming the children...''The other one replies: ''Wow, medieval times were really hard''
And the other says: ''Medieval times? I just went to 2019 Alabama!''
A cruise ship wrecks in the middle of the ocean.
The only three survivors are tourists from different areas of the United States. A man from Georgia, a man from Florida and a man from Hawaii. They float on a raft until they hit an island where they’re met by a tribe of fierce locals who despise outsiders. A member of tribe offers to translate for them so the chief can decide their fate.The men are brought before a large clearing at the edge of the village where the chief begins his sentencing. “In the field behind me our ancestors have grown all the fruit known to man. You are you to walk the field and pick your favorite fruit then return it to me”
The men think wow this is a very simple punishment. “We shall gather the fruits of our native states to show the chief we miss home and just want to go back” says the man from Hawaii. The other two agree and all three set off into the field. Around 5 minutes later the man from Georgia appeared from the field and approached the chief holding a peach. “Chief I bring to you my native fruit. A gesture that I simply wish to return home” The chief with a smile tells the man to insert the fruit into his rectum and he will be given a canoe and allowed to leave. If he fails to insert the fruit he will be beheaded on the spot.
Instantly the man stuffs the peach into his rectum just before the man from Florida returns holding an orange. As the Florida man approaches he tells the chief “I have brought you the fruit from my native home simply to show you I miss home and would love to go back”. Again the chief explains the process and the man begins to hastily stuff the orange in his rectum.
As he gets his pants down and puts the orange in his rectum he begins to laugh. Soon after the first man begins to laugh hysterically as well. Within 30 seconds both men are in tears from laughter. The chief asks the translator what these men are laughing at to which the translator says
“They said the man from Hawaii is looking for the pineapples”
3 guys at an archaeology conference
The first two guys are normal but the third one is from a place where people are silly, or at least that's the stereotype. Of course stereotypes are untrue and hurtful, but I need it for this joke to work.Anyway, the first guy says, "We dug down 100 meters and discovered copper cables. This proves that 1,000 years ago our ancestors had invented the telegraph!"
The second guy says, "We dug down 150 meters and discovered fiber optic cables. This proves that 1,500 years ago our ancestors had invented the Internet!"
The third guy says, "We dug down 200 meters and discovered nothing. This proves that 2,000 years ago our ancestors had invented WiFi!"
Mr. Johnson was sitting on a plane, waiting for it to take off, when one last person boarded the plane and sat down next to him. Mr. Johnson realized, much to his surprise and delight, that it was social media fitness star Michelle Lewin.
"This is amazing!" he said. "How lucky is it that I sit right next to one of the hottest women on social media?""I'm on my way to a fitness conference," said Michelle. "I'm going to tell my fellow women some of my best-kept secrets on getting and staying fit like me."
"Wow!" said Mr. Johnson. "I'm curious to know some of your secrets."
"Well," said Michelle, "I don't think it would hurt to tell you just one secret. But remember, don't tell anyone, and this applies to women only." She leans toward his ear and whispers, "Know the right men to have sex with."
"The right men?" asked Mr. Johnson. "What do you mean, the right men?"
"Well first," said Michelle, "you need to know the country from which the right men's ancestors came from. For me, it's France. Then, you need to know the right men's religion. For me, it's Judaism. Finally, you need to know the state in which the right men live. For me, it's Alabama."
"By the way, what's your name?"
Mr. Johnson thinks for a minute and says, "My name is Jean-Claude Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
African chief whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies
There was this African chief at the turn of the last century whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies. These thrones he would collect and display in the second level of his magnificent palace just above his own luxurious throne. This palace was renowned for its construction that was in keeping with the best of tradition - everything was made of grass and leaves.One day, the chief was on his throne receiving some ambassadors when the trophy thrones above him proved to be too heavy and the straw paltform collapsed. The thrones fell on him, and sad to say, he joined his ancestors in the happy hunting grounds.
Which just goes to show that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
She’s always late.
Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Israeli are having lunch...
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Israeli are having lunch. They get to talking about which civilization was the most technologically advanced.The Englishman proclaims, "Surely England was the most technologically advanced nation. Why, our archaeologists dug 1,000 meters into the earth underneath London and found traces of copper wire dating back 1,000 years, which is proof positive that our ancestors had a telephone network a thousand years ago.
The Frenchman replies, "Well, my dear English friend, our archaeologists did a similar dig, and after digging 2,000 meters under Paris, uncovered traces of 2,000-year-old fiber-optic cabling; my French ancestors had an advanced, high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than your people!"
Not to be outdone, the Israeli says, "Well my friends, our archaeologists dug as deep as 5,000 meters deep underneath some of the oldest parts of Jerusalem, where people have been living for thousands of years, and found nothing. This is, of course, conclusive evidence that the Israelis have been using wireless technology for 5,000 years."
A descendant of a pharaoh
A descendant of a pharaoh learned he was going to die and called his pastor, his doctor and his lawyer to his room. He told the three that he wanted to be buried in the style of his ancestors and to be buried with some of his wealth. He hands them each an envelope and says “In this envelope is $30,000. I want you to slip this in my casket before I am buried.” They each agree to honor his request.A few weeks later he dies and the three men come and place envelopes in his casket before it is lowered to the ground. After a beautiful ceremony, the three men walk around the cemetery together. The pastor starts crying and says “I must confess something. I felt strongly that he was going to hell for being so concerned about money so I used $10,000 to help build an orphanage in his name. The envelope only had $20,000.”
The doctor said, “I, too, must confess. I donated $15,000 to find a cure for his disease so that others like him could live. My envelope only had $15,000 in it.”
The lawyer looked indignant. “I can’t believe you would spend his money like that and not honor his wishes. My envelope had a personal check for the full $30,000.”
Diarrhoea
My ancestors have all had a genetic propensity for diarrhoea.Runs in the family.
I just adore this one from Arthur Koestler.
Under the reign of the second emperor of the Ming Dynasty there lived an executioner by the name of Wang Lun. He was a master of his art and his fame spread through all of the provinces of the Empire. There were many executions in those days, and sometimes as many as fifteen or twenty men to be beheaded at any one session. Wang Lun's habit was to stand at the foot of the scaffold with an engaging smile, hiding his curved sword behind his back, and while whistling a pleasant tune, to behead his victim with a swift movement as he walked up the scaffold.
Now this Wang Lun had one secret ambition in his life, but it took him fifty years of strenuous effort to realize it. His ambition was to be able to behead a person with a stroke so swift that, in accordance with the law of inertia, the victim's head would remain poised on his trunk, in the same manner as a plate remains undisturbed on the table if the tablecloth is pulled out under it with a sudden jerk.
Wang Lun's great moment came in the seventy-eighth year of his life. On that memorable day he had to dispatch sixteen clients from this world of shadows to their ancestor's. He stood as usual at the foot of the scaffold, and eleven shaven heads had already rolled into the dust after his inimitable master-stroke. His triumph came with the twelfth man. When this man began to ascend the steps of the scaffold, Wang Lun's sword flashed with such lightening speed across his neck that the man's head remained where it had been before, and he continued to walk up the steps without knowing what had happened. When he reached the top of the scaffold, the man addressed Wang Lun as follows:
"O cruel Wang Lun, why do you prolong my agony of waiting when you dealt with the others with such merciful and amiable speed?"
When he heard these words, Wang Lun knew that the work of his life had been accomplished. A serene smile appeared on his features; then he said with exquisite courtesy to the waiting man:
"Just kindly nod, please."
Under the reign of the second emperor of the Ming Dynasty there lived an executioner by the name of Wang Lun. He was a master of his art and his fame spread through all of the provinces of the Empire. There were many executions in those days, and sometimes as many as fifteen or twenty men to be beheaded at any one session. Wang Lun's habit was to stand at the foot of the scaffold with an engaging smile, hiding his curved sword behind his back, and while whistling a pleasant tune, to behead his victim with a swift movement as he walked up the scaffold.
Now this Wang Lun had one secret ambition in his life, but it took him fifty years of strenuous effort to realize it. His ambition was to be able to behead a person with a stroke so swift that, in accordance with the law of inertia, the victim's head would remain poised on his trunk, in the same manner as a plate remains undisturbed on the table if the tablecloth is pulled out under it with a sudden jerk.
Wang Lun's great moment came in the seventy-eighth year of his life. On that memorable day he had to dispatch sixteen clients from this world of shadows to their ancestor's. He stood as usual at the foot of the scaffold, and eleven shaven heads had already rolled into the dust after his inimitable master-stroke. His triumph came with the twelfth man. When this man began to ascend the steps of the scaffold, Wang Lun's sword flashed with such lightening speed across his neck that the man's head remained where it had been before, and he continued to walk up the steps without knowing what had happened. When he reached the top of the scaffold, the man addressed Wang Lun as follows:
"O cruel Wang Lun, why do you prolong my agony of waiting when you dealt with the others with such merciful and amiable speed?"
When he heard these words, Wang Lun knew that the work of his life had been accomplished. A serene smile appeared on his features; then he said with exquisite courtesy to the waiting man:
"Just kindly nod, please."
A white, black, and Mexican are in hell...
A black man, a white man, and a Mexican die and are sent to Hell. The Devil looks at them and says "You can choose any shield of your choice, and if you survive 3 lashes from my whip you can go to Heaven."The Mexican says "I want a shield of diamond." It breaks on the first lash and he doesn't survive the second, so he stays in hell.
The black man says "My ancestors survived more lashings than anything you'll give me, so I say no shield at all." He survives all three lashes with ease and goes to Heaven.
The Devil looks at the white man and says "What shall you have?". The white man looks up at the black man floating to Heaven, looks at the Devil, and says "I'll take the black guy."
The curious monk
A monk in an ancient monastery is doing his daily work, transcribing and recopying the ancient scrolls and scriptures of his tradition that his predecessors wrote, which they copied from their ancestors texts and so on....The curious monk begins to wonder if in the endless sequence of copying and recopying over the ages, something got misinterpreted or lost in translation: he goes to investigate the archives.
His friends don't hear from him for a few days. They finally find him in the archives, lying in a pool of scrolls and tears. "What's wrong?", they ask him. He cries: "It said CELEBRATE!!!"
A Frenchman, a German, and an American were regulars at a bar
One day, the Frenchman decides that he is going to prove how much smarter the French are than Germans or Americans. So he goes digging in his backyard and finds traces of copper wiring 15ft deep. He smugly claims, "Ha! 300 years ago, my ancestors had a working telephone system!"The German, not wanting to be outdone by the French, goes digging in his backyard and finds traces of copper wiring 25ft deep. He smugly claims, "Ha! 400 years ago, my ancestors had a working telephone system!"
The American, not wanting to be outdone by either the German or the French, goes digging in his backyard. He digs all day and night and finds nothing 40ft deep. The next day, he walks into the bar and smugly claims, "Ha! 500 years ago, my ancestors had already gone wireless!"
Proof that Santa doesn’t exists
There are about 2 billion children on earth. But Santa does not have to visit Muslims, Hindus, Jews or Buddhists, which reduces the number to 15% or 378 million. Thus, with a world average of 3.5 children per household, there are 108 million households to visit if we can assume that there are at least one nice child in each home.Because of the different time zones and rotation of the earth, Santa Claus has about 3.5 hours to work, assuming he travels westward, which makes the most sense. He thus visits 967.7 homes per second. This means that for every Christian home with at least one nice child, Santa has about 1/1000 s to park the sledge, run out and jump down the chimney, divide Christmas presents, say Ho HonHo, eat the porrigde, up through the chimney again, in the sledge and off to the next house.
If we assume that all homes to be visited are evenly distributed, it is approximately 1km between each house on average. The area thus travels about 100km, vists to bathroom and other breaks are not included. In other words, the sledge of the plot flies approximately 1000 km per second.. As in comparison, it is mentioned that the fastest craft man so far created, the Ulysseus spacecraft, travels about 50 km per second. As an anecdote, we can mention that the normal reindeer can come up at a speed of about 30 km per hour.
The load in the sled is another interesting object. If we assume that each child receives presents corresponding to 1 kg, the sledge has a load of 500,000 tonnes, the weight of Santa is not included. On land, a normal reindeer can carry about 200 kg. Even if we assume that the special flying reindeer can draw a weight ten times this, the sled will not come out of the spot unless the plot provides approximately 360,000 reluctant reindeers. This will give the sledge a total weight of approximately 600,000 tonnes.
600,000 tons, flying at 1,000km per second, produce enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeers, much like a meteorite that enters the earth's atmosphere. The two leader reindeers will then absorb an energy equivalent to 14 300 trillion Joule per sec, or 14 300 trillion watt. The leader rails will simply burn up immediately and the back will be exposed to a bang when the air barrier breaks and then burn themselves up. All the reindeers will meet their ancestors in less than 4.26 million seconds, i e when the plot reaches its fifth house.
However, this is hypothetical, because when the sleigh accelerates from 0 to 1000 km / s in 1/1000 seconds, all of the sleigh will be exposed to a G-force 17500 times greater than gravity. If Santa weighs approximately 150 kg (weight estimated according to existing copies) he will be stuck in the back of the sled, corresponding to a weight of approximately 3 million kg, which would immediately crush each leg in his body and turn him into a wet spot.
The conclusion should be that if the damn Santa ever lived, he is definitely dead now.
I Asked My Black Friend If He Wanted to Go on a Cruise with me.
He said that his ancestors made that same mistake and that he's not falling for it.
A Dwarf, a Human, and an Elf are walking down a trail.
A Dwarf, a Human, and an Elf are walking down a trail beside a stream when they stop to piss. Afterwards the human takes out some soap and cleans his hands "cleanliness is next to godliness," he says to the others. The elf takes some leaves off a nearby tree and wipes his hands with them "we elves have learned to use what nature provides for us". Meanwhile the dwarf pulls up his pants and begins down the trail and calls back "And our ancestors taught us dwarves not to piss on our hands".
Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming
Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming. Each was devoted to the search for ultimate wisdom, but they differed greatly on how it was to be found. One day their pet chicken fell ill, began to molt, and soon lost all of its feathers! The brothers decided that this would be an ideal test case and agreed to each spend two months trying to cure the chicken.Hing immediately went back to the university. Having boned up on ornithology and traditional Chinese medicine, he decided that the answer was a prescription of gum-tree leaf tea. He gathered bushels of the tea leaves, brewed gallons of the tea, and poured it into the chicken for the two months.
Meanwhile, Ming traveled all around China, praying at the shrines of his ancestors. One night he had a dream. His ancestors appeared and told him to feed the chicken tea made from gum-tree leaves!!!
Ming, aware of his brother’s lack of success, decided that the problem was quantity. He gathered whole CARTLOADS of leaves, and brewed BARRELS of the tea, and poured them into the chicken for the two months. At the end of the time, the poor chicken was still as naked as a bowling ball.
Moral: All of Hing’s courses, and all of Ming’s kin; couldn’t make gum tea re-feather a hen!
Rihanna says chains and whips excite her
I doubt her ancestors felt the same way.
A Black guy and an Asian guy are standing next to a pond.
A Black guy and an Asian guy are standing next to a pond. The Asian guy says, "This pond is Magical, if you skip a stone across it, you will hear the names of your ancestors." So the Asian guy picks up a stone and skips it, the stone makes a sound with each splash, "CHING-CHANG-CHONG." The black guy goes, "Wow thats amazing, let me try." He picks up a rock and skips it. "A-RANG-A-TANG!" He gets angry and says, "Wtf?!" and grabs another stone. Skips this one and hears, "CHIMP-AN-ZEE!" Now he is quite upset, "Aww hell naw," he grabs a large boulder with both hands and lifts it above his head, then slams it into the pond, "BA-BOON!"
It just all depends on how you look at some things...
Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory
On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'
So Judy recently e-mailed Congressman Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.
Harry Reid:
Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:
"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
NOW THAT's how it's done, Folks! That's real POLITICAL SPIN
A Les Mis Joke (from r/Lesmiserables Joke by u/shepy66
Ok, so there were these two guys at a high school, a really weird, lame, goth kid from France, and a really popular rich kid named John. Nobody actually new the French kid's name, but he was strange enough for people to make up their own. Creep, Emo, Lame-ass, Weirdo, and plenty of other (and much worse) names. As an extremely goth kid, he had the full goth getup. Black hair, eyeliner, weird piercings, ripped jeans, you get the picture. But what really made him stand out was this really big chain he wore everywhere. Always. It was his favorite accessory. And this kid really, I mean REALLY hated John. The goth kid fancied himself pretty smart, and thought he was much cooler than he really was. So he was really pissed when John became the class valedictorian. He needed some way to prove to the world that he was better than John. He began bragging to everyone about his parent's land back home in France, hoping to make John jealous. Now John wasn't really sure why, but the idea of a weird goth nobody trying to one-up him really got him mad. He needed some way to prove that he was, in fact, better than the goth kid. He did some research into his family tree to see if he was related to anyone famous, to prove that he was inherently better than the French goth. He struck gold! He discovered that he was the long-lost heir to some obscure duke or duchess in, of all places, France! John brought his proof that he was French royalty to school to show the goth kid how much better he was. Of course, the French kid called bull. John wouldn't take it and started claiming that the goth kid was making up all of his family's fortune. He went on a rant, trying to shame the goth kid by saying how he was just jealous that John had become valedictorian, and not him. This continued for weeks, and at the end of it all, they were both livid. They finally decided there was only way to solve this dispute. They would both go to France and prove their wealth to the other. They convinced their families to vacation there at the same time, and it actually worked! Even more weeks later, they were in the airport, going through security (separately, with their respective families). However, the goth kid had forgot how strict the TSA was, and had (as always) been wearing his favorite chain. He was forced to hand it over to airport security, who said he could get it back upon his return. It was a heart-wrenching experience for the kid, who was never without his trademark chain. But he had no choice but to hand it over. Upon arriving in France, he immediately sought out and bought the first chain he could find, much smaller and much more lackluster than his favorite. But he decided it would have to work for now. Although they couldn't yet meet face to face, he finally managed to coordinate a meeting with John over the phone, and they set off to show off their land to each other. The whole time, John was calling the goth kid all sorts of terrible names, partially due to his insecurity about the size of his land. If it was smaller than a lame goth kids, he wouldn't be able to live with himself. However, what both of the kids failed to realize was that John's dead ancestor lived on the property right next to the French kid's! They were finally about to meet, and got to thoroughly examine and compare their family's land beforehand. They set eyes on each other and calmly approached, determined at the last minute to settle this like civilized humans..."Val. John, at last. We see each other's plains." "Monsieur Lamer, you wear a different chain."
An Italian, an Egyptian and a Greek...
...were fighting over whose ancestors had the most advanced civilization.The Romans were the most advanced said the Italian. And I'm going to prove it to you. Here's a photograph
from a recent excavation site under the Colloseum. What do you see?
The Egyptian and the Greek after studying the picture:
-A wire.
-Exactly. Do you know what that means? Said the Italian.
-No, came the reply.
-It means that the Ancient Romans had invented the telegraph!
-That's nothing said the Egyptian. Here's a photograph from a recent excavation site under the Great Pyramid of Gyza. What do you see?
The Italian and the Greek after studying the picture:
-Two wires.
-Exactly. Do you know what that means? Said the Egyptian.
-No, came the reply.
-It means that the Ancient Egyptians had invented the telephone!
-Meh, that's nothing, said the Greek. Here's a photograph from a recent excavation site under the Parthenon. What do you see?
-The Egyptian and the Italian study the picture. After looking hard, and examining all the fine details they say perplexed:
-Nothing!
-Exactly. Do you know what that means? Said the Greek.
-No, came the reply.
-It means that the Ancient Greeks had invented the cellphone!
Rough translation from a Greek joke.
In the past
Russian scientists dug 1000 mtr deep and found a copper wire.
They concluded:
“1000 yrs back our ancestors were using copper cable technology”..
American scientists dug 2000 mtr deep and found optic fibre.
They concluded:
“2000 yrs back our ancestors were using optic fibre technolgy”..
Indian scientist dug and found nothing. They concluded our ancestors were using Wireless Technology.!
Russian scientists dug 1000 mtr deep and found a copper wire.
They concluded:
“1000 yrs back our ancestors were using copper cable technology”..
American scientists dug 2000 mtr deep and found optic fibre.
They concluded:
“2000 yrs back our ancestors were using optic fibre technolgy”..
Indian scientist dug and found nothing. They concluded our ancestors were using Wireless Technology.!
Compilation of short "jokes"
☐ There should be TL;DRs on Terms and Conditions☐ I never click the top Google result if it's an advert even if it's exactly what I want
☐ The amount of battery left on my phone is proportional to how hard I've been working that day
☐ Smart watches should be able to delete your browsing history if they detect your heart has stopped
☐ Doctors are just veterinarians that can only work on one animal
☐ The first 18 years of life are the like the free trial, the rest is Pay to Play
☐ Gotye is now just somebody that we used to know
☐ When you're a kid you think adults know everything. When you grow up that adults have no idea what they're doing
☐ The generation that complains about millenials are the ones who raised millenials
☐ Reading a book under a tree seems nice to us, but for a tree it's taunting them with the shredded flesh of their family
☐ Books are just dead trees we stare at and hallucinate for hours
☐ Everything in your life has led to you reading this post
☐ At a restaurant when you're waiting for the waiter to bring your food, do you become the waiter?
☐ I didn't exist in your universe until you started reading this
☐ Red, White and Blue are the colours of freedom until they're flashing behind you
☐ In the future nursing homes are just going to be huge LAN parties
☐ Websites should show password requirements at the login screen
☐ Whenever a celebrity dies somebody has to go through their Wikipedia page and change everything to past tense
☐ School made it seem like knowing "Stop, Drop and Roll" and what to do if you fell into quicksand seem essential for adult life
☐ I'm disappointed strangers don't offer me free drugs like D.A.R.E. said they would
☐ Microwaves should have a silent mode for midnight snacks
☐ If you step on someone's foot they open their mouth, just like a pedal bin
☐ Head & Shoulders should make a body wash called Knees & Toes
☐ Pets only like us because they have Stockholm Syndrome
☐ Because people are often buried in their best clothes, a zombie apocalypse would be a very formal affair
☐ They should make a "How It's Made" for "How It's Made"
☐ I have such little faith in humanity I look both ways before crossing a one way street
☐ "Slang" is short for "Shortened language" (...It's not)
☐ Songs and adverts featuring sirens and car horns should be banned from the radio
☐ A bachelor/stag party should happen after a divorce, not before a wedding
☐ Teachers used to tell us we wouldn't always be walking around with a calculator in our pockets
☐ I can have the same breakfast every day for months and that's fine, but when I have the same lunch two days in a row everybody loses their minds
☐ Naps went from being a childhood punishment to an adult treat
☐ Facebook is people I know saying things I don't care about, Reddit is people I don't know saying interesting things
☐ Pacman is just a guy chasing pills to escape his demons
☐ In a hospital you can find someone having the best day of their life, the worst day of their life, the first day of their life, and the last day of their life all under one roof
☐ I assume everyone on reddit is male unless stated otherwise
☐ You can answer the words "where", "when", and "what" just by changing the W to a T
☐ Because of the internet I've probably seen more naked people than all my ancestors combined
☐ Shadows- Light has travelled millions of miles through space from the sun only to be stopped a few feet from the ground by you
☐ If a Toy Story character died the rest of the toys would be forced to play with their friend's lifeless corpse by Andy
☐ The only thing worse than a cold public toilet seat is a warm public toilet seat
☐ I've never heard a car alarm and considered the car is actually getting robbed
☐ I have never ever wanted to turn on Sticky Keys
☐ The brain named itself
Topical Jokes for April
(didn't post the last batch, so here's all of the recent ones)4/28
Los Angeles police are looking for a vandal that spraypainted a police horse. The horse didn’t get a good look at the suspect because it was dark, and because the horse has no idea that it’s a cop.
Billionaire Richard Branson is hosting a digital currency summit on his private Caribbean island.
So he’s one golden gun away from being a James Bond villain.
In Michigan, a girl with cancer was expelled from middle school because she’d had too many absences. The school’s attitude is, if you’re healthy enough to go out and get cancer treatment, you’re healthy enough to go to class.
China is cracking down on funerals that hire strippers to perform. The biggest problem with the funerals, is that too many people are showing up.
...proponents of the funeral strippers say it’s nice to see the departed get one final lapdance.
In Atlanta, Lil Wayne’s tour bus was shot multiple times. Making Lil Wayne’s tour bus another of many inanimate objects, that have more street cred than Lil Wayne.
In Nigeria, a woman divorced her husband because his penis was too big. The woman described her husband’s penis as really long, hairy, and had a foot on the end of it.
4/20
In Iowa, a man called the police to report that his bag of dog poop had been stolen. Police already have the suspect in custody, and good news, they caught him brown-handed.
In Pennsylvania, a woman told police her car accident was caused by her parrot who was drinking coffee. Police questioned the parrot, but all it said was, “Polly want a latte!”
In Texas, a Walmart employee was arrested after stealing more than $230,000 dollars from the store. If convicted, the woman could be facing a life sentence as a Walmart greeter.
In Sierra Leone, schools closed due to an Ebola outbreak have re-opened after eight months. The schools are pretty dusty, so students are busy licking every surface clean.
Documents revealed that Ben Affleck kept PBS from revealing that his ancestors owned slaves. Affleck even tried to bribe one PBS executive by offering to give him Matt Damon.
...In reality, Ben Affleck’s ancestors never owned a slave, they just borrowed their neighbor’s slave once and never returned it.
A North Korean defector says that watching “The Interview” could cause North Koreans to revolt. And that’s just to get them to turn the movie off.