Vasectomy Story

[RAINier]

Enjoy:

[h=2]Vasectomy: $400. Speechless look on her face: priceless.[/h]I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:

I got a vasectomy.

I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"

Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, "You're screwed".

Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

I continue. "I am sterile"

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it."

I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."

I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue -

I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

The Moral of the Story -

Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.

 

[Intense]

I hope that story is legit, if so that's hilarious.





and....who just posted this thread? RAINier long time no see man! I hope you've been doing good

 

[RAINier]

Haha nice to see you too! I've been good, checking in less than once a week for the past few months...

 

[Intense]

Good to hear! Work travels?

 

[fever]

Incredible story! I did the big V a bit over 10 years ago, the best thing Ive ever done. Has cost me one relationship, but like you I can weed out the man trappers.

 

[theCaptn']

Best thing I ever did was get the snip.

Great story btw!

 

[Turd Hammer]

Had the surgery after our second child almost killed my wife.

 

[anabolicamerica]

Good story. Although I'd be afraid she'd call the cops and say i raped/hit her or something. Some women are just plain nuts.

 

[Dieseljimmy]

Good stuff. I have had an appt three times and and each rime has canceled. Something about it just gives me the chills when I get close to the actual appt.

 

[6P6]

Great story!

 

[Streettime]

LMAO ... Oh man that was beautiful! Pure art ;-)

 

[Burrfoot1313]

Nice

 

[Burrfoot1313]

A guy I went to high school with got his girlfriend pregnant, they had the baby and he raised it for 3 years. He had his sons name tattooed on his arm and everything. After 3 years he found out it wasn't his. She knew all along. He's a better man than I am for not killing her.

 

[Dieseljimmy]

A guy I went to high school with got his girlfriend pregnant, they had the baby and he raised it for 3 years. He had his sons name tattooed on his arm and everything. After 3 years he found out it wasn't his. She knew all along. He's a better man than I am for not killing her.

hard story. I would hope he didnt run... people fuck up. I would think that if I was that fella you couldnt pull me away from that kid.

 

[oufinny]

hard story. I would hope he didnt run... people fuck up. I would think that if I was that fella you couldnt pull me away from that kid.

True but he would have that chick by the ovaries after that bit of knowledge was found out... I so rarely am able to really trust women, they have an extra X chromosome and are full of estrogen, its a miracle many of them can function at all and ever more are batshit crazy almost all the time. I keep 98% on a long leash and will never divulge personal information that could hurt me until I am convinced they have their shit together and they can live on their own if I left the next day. Shitty I know but I've been burned twice and it made me a stone cold asshole.

Luckily I found a good one, only issue is she does not like gear but she will either learn to deal or I will wait yet again for another one.

 

[Nocode8511]

True but he would have that chick by the ovaries after that bit of knowledge was found out... I so rarely am able to really trust women, they have an extra X chromosome and are full of estrogen, its a miracle many of them can function at all and ever more are batshit crazy almost all the time. I keep 98% on a long leash and will never divulge personal information that could hurt me until I am convinced they have their shit together and they can live on their own if I left the next day. Shitty I know but I've been burned twice and it made me a stone cold asshole.

Luckily I found a good one, only issue is she does not like gear but she will either learn to deal or I will wait yet again for another one.

100% Agree!!! I have a hard time trusting people in general. I just look at it like don't get to comfortable if you cant walk away in 5 mins.

 

[RAINier]

Good to hear! Work travels?

Mhm.

 

[RAINier]

A guy I went to high school with got his girlfriend pregnant, they had the baby and he raised it for 3 years. He had his sons name tattooed on his arm and everything. After 3 years he found out it wasn't his. She knew all along. He's a better man than I am for not killing her.

How'd he react? What happened?

 

[Gibbs]

Lmao. That reminds me, better make an apt for the v

 

[stonecold316]

That is hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[GZ3]

OK guys I'll give you MY Vasectomy story. The EX had been on the pill for a shitload of years (except to clean out when we did have our two girls. I never wanted to get a Vasectomy because of the Prostate cancer rumors that used to float around. She was always pushing me for it instead of her getting a tubal ligation. When they finally said the study that had the prostate cancer link was bogus, I went and got snipped that week. Well fast forward two years and she's fucking the loser bartender she works with. I overhear her on the phone saying "Oh .........I got my period" and jack off says " Oh that's too bad". Silly cunt replies "Oh do you really mean that?" She doesn't realize that in the state of mind I'm in, her not being pregnant with another guys kid AFTER I got a vasectomy and WHILE we were married kept me from ripping his fucking insides out with my bare hands. After I divorced the whore she says she had a (D & C I think not sure) well a girlfriend of mine calls and says " I have something I think you should know. Your ex had a tubal ligation last weekend. She was a close family friend that knew the whole story and also happened to be a Nurse on the floor Douche Bag was treated on. So, it wasn't important that I get the vasectomy done for her. She just wanted to make sure I didn't have kids with someone else. Sorry for the Rant. Thanks for letting me share

 

[theCaptn']

Whores

 

[Burrfoot1313]

How'd he react? What happened?

To my knowledge, he broke up with her but continued to take care of the kid. I'm sure it was tough.