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May 13, 2016
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Get Shredded!
There also exists a strange breed of creatures which inhabit the same place we do and these bring shame and dishonour to our temples of pure living as surely as a blot of ink ruins the water. These creatures look human but I swear if we could skin their hides we would find some alien being underneath which, much like the terminator, portrays a human form in the hope of infecting us with their evil ways. After much thought and consideration though I have found the ten leaders of this brigade of evildoers. Should you see any types like these in the gym then secretly draw a pentagram on their backs so the rest of us can identify them in future. If everyone does this we will then one day eliminate them forever. Whatever you do, do not speak to them lest they infect you with their evil ways.

1. King Ed Hardy​

To most people Ed Hardy is the name of a fashion brand universally popular among wannabe gangsters around the world. The person I speak of must be their leader since he manages to train in his favourite Ed Hardy clothes every time I see him in the gym. As I watch him perform a set of mirror concentration raises (where he raises his eyes to the mirror with intense concentration at every opportunity), the look of love as he seems himself in all his attire is pitiful to watch. To make this worse, Ed is constantly performing work on his upper body (a common theme among these creatures as you will see) and to date I have never seen his legs as even in the changing room the pants stay on. To cap it all off, Ed drives a Porsche Panamera with a private number plate. I couldn’t read it properly but I am sure it looked like KNOB1.


2. Playboy Pete​

Pete trains in the same gym as Ed and is never ever without his trusty Sci-Mx vest. This isn’t too bad but unfortunately as he never seems to change it, it is starting to develop a very funny appearance with the front of the vest sticking out from all the chest work and the back saggy from the lack of any non-mirror work. I would say he was trying to compete with Pamela Anderson in the chest stakes but actually the thing I notice most about Pete is how he is always hitting on every girl in the gym and trying to get her to perform donkey raises with him on her back. With his shock of ponytailed blond hair what Pete fails to notice is that far from impressing the women he is actually attracting the attentions of Rhino Man.

3. Rhino Man​

Every gym has someone like Rhino Man in them. He is the prototypical fat steroid user who, whatever the weather, likes to dress in shorts that provide the least coverage possible and the maximum amount of exposure for his crotch when it comes to doing the leg press. With an outwardly macho exterior, Rhino Man can usually be counted on to check himself out constantly, but if you watch carefully you will see him sizing you up as a potential conquest at the same time. If he tries to get you on the subject of steroids it will not be long before he offers to jab you as a favour.


4. Gary Glitter​

Gary is the leader of a gang whose main preoccupation in the gym is counting how many times he can hug and high five his friends. You won’t actually know if you are a friend of Gary’s until he attempts to apprehend you while you are training. Gary himself does not look like he trains at all and given he manages to both hold conversations on the phone and read a book while he is in the gym, training itself is the last thing on his mind.

5. Bobby Banshee​

There I was one day, training in the squat rack when maybe ten yards away from me I heard a teenage girl being murdered. After making sure I finished off my workout, I turned to offer assistance but could not see anyone but a guy performing Tricep kickbacks wearing a Schiek lifting belt. As I turned away I heard the scream again and this time I realised it was Bobby attempting to raise the dead with his screaming. After my eardrums were perforated by the noise I have had to resort to sign language ever since so make sure you stay away from Bobby.


6. Mr Insecure​

Mr Insecure is someone who is quite well known in the industry and seems to delight in making every conversation about himself. If he could hold a conversation about anything over than bodybuilding it would be okay, but despite his impressive physique, Mr Insecure is damn boring to talk to and whenever I see him I want to smash my skull into a brick. As if that wasn’t bad enough Mr Insecure likes to let everyone know about how great he is, so really, he is an easy one to spot as usually when he is talking at you he will be flexing his muscles at the same time hoping nobody is noticing.

7. The Troll​

The troll is the very definition of the dumbass bodybuilder who gives everyone else a bad name. Weighing in at over 20st ripped he is the one who is always talking about steroids who loves a chance to drop his shorts and pose in his underwear in the gym. As big as the troll is, he is of very limited intelligence and one day decided to inject himself with an opiate drug before training on the basis it would lead to more growth hormone output. Funnily enough, after practically falling unconscious halfway through the workout, he later was seen promoting the merits of a further injection to aid relaxation…The Troll is easy to spot. If you listen very carefully, you will hear the churning of gears while he thinks.


8. Barry Bullshit​

Barry loves to claim how he can bench press more than anyone else in the gym and when he trains you can see he is right….if you count his training partner deadlifting the weight while he ricochets it off his chest like a trampoline. The thing about Barry is he is always telling you how hardcore he is and with his Go Heavy or Go Home t-shirt he likes to think he is the epitome of what everyone who trains wants to be like. If you see Barry, ask him to deadlift one time and when he says he is injured you will know you have seen him.

9. Saggy Sue​

So far I have talked only of men but Sue deserves her place in the Hall of Shame as assuredly as any man. At somewhere in her 50’s, Sue seems to have forgotten that training in a sports bra is not a good look when your breasts are rolling down to your ankle. As if that wasn’t enough she insists on cycling shorts that are too small for her and training in full makeup. Even Rhino Man gives this old bird no attention and I hope one day Sue realises the way to pull a fit man is not by him mistaking you for an Elephant’s backside.

10. Moaning Mike​

All of the above are bad enough but, for my money, Moaning Mike is the most annoying of all. He is the guy who is always making excuses. How he couldn’t stick to his diet because it was his dog’s birthday. Or how he hasn’t been able to train because he doesn’t want to miss Eastenders. This clown has been training for years on end, but today looks like some faded piece of string from a particularly crappy pair of jeans. If you ever got sucked into a conversation with this vampire watch him try to derail you from your training or diet with his bullshit excuses. The best excuse I ever heard from him was how he couldn’t train because he was going out that night to pull so wanted all his energy in case he struck lucky. The fact he has not struck lucky in years is something that seems to have escaped his grasp. Avoid this wacko at all costs.