In Serious Trouble...

[zionoir626]

Yes ...
Things have been good at the Home Front..for many yrs, I've tucked my head and pushed through..
Perhaps Good Then...
BUT....
About 20 minutes ago....

I woke up...Lost Again...!!

Let me start by saying...
I've down played just how bad things Truley Are..
Medically Anyway...
I'm struggling every day, just to stand on both feet..walk straight..to be some Shadow..of a Man..at the Very least..
And...gut Wise...I'm a Bull..

I've lost nearly all family, friends...
I know this..
Because..I'm Here typing...

So..This is Where I'm at..at 7:36am....
I really was weak from..wide open throttle..for days.
My digestive system shutdown...
I've eaten 3 meals since I realized Judy was dead in the Car..only 2 hrs of rest..Not Sleep..
Actually woke up..in a way..Never Before..!!
That was Clue One...

Clue Two....total isolation..
I'm on the Edge...and I didn't even know things where Here Already..

I've pushed this poor body more than it was ever made too Go..
But,it's had yrs of Enough..!!

Mentally...in big Trouble...
If you stripped everything else away..
It wouldn't Matter...
Something I can neither find or fix...Is Broken..

Cold Truth...
Broke..things are being shut off..can't do things because Judy and I weren't Married, even after yrs of Her Begging..That fucking hurts..
I get paid on the 1st..Judy the 15th..
So I paid all of her bills and incidentals this month..expecting her to pay me back..
Well that's not going too happen..Ever!!

I'm actually blacking out daily...
Seriously..I didn't know if it was am or pm...
Gabriel has been grieving..and just looks sad..

I have No One now....
Judy was a really good woman...
Yeah,she had cracks and deep scars..as we all do..
But..at the end of the Day..
She sacrificed everything..for Me...
And..
I didn't start CPR fast enough too prevent the damage to her Brain..
The damage that's preventing much if Any activity..
Yeah,that's in my face..every fucking second..
Just looking at this woman that gave everything to Me...
It's unimaginable...
Physical Pain...I mastered that by 10...
I have shot at..stabbed..even an Axe,swung at me by 10 years old..
Hence the 10 yr memory block..

Even with the medical shit on my back..
Physical Pain doesn't really bother me..
If you guys remember...In February, I didn't eat for 6 days..thoughts it was over..
Pain...was my reminder..that I wasn't Dead..

But Emotional Pain...
I'm a slave...
So...I run from it..put it off...
I hate what I've done in life..the ones I put my hands on..the ones I made suffer..
I am not a good Man...that's a fucking fact..
And it doesn't matter what a Man does in his life..
Once his soul is Gone...
And mine has been gone..a long, long ass time..
It matters not...

To my closest here.....
Thank You...
To the newest here that I've tried to help or guide or even derailed..
Thank You..
And Sadly...some of my Promises, just won't be kept..Now..
But know this...

I didn't come this fucking far to just throw up my Hands...
I didn't go thru absolutely Hell, for over a thousand days..without touching grass (inmate terminology)
Yeah,I did real time, just like my Brother..
Dale.c ...which was cool as shit..
I miss you Brother..!!

I'm writing this to you guys...my true Family..
And JJ...
That Promise..I'll never break..
Thank You..You saved my Life...
JJ asked me a huge favor...one no one ever has..
He came to me as a True Brother..with trust and Honor..
That Promise it the Wall...the Wall..I will never clime over, go around or tear Down..
I'm not at liberty to say what he asked, nor what I replied..
But..know this..
I was so hit unexpectedly..the Honor..
It will prevent me..taking my Life..
Which is kinda, where this road ends..

Brothers..
Home isn't home anymore..
I hate being here..it's meaningless at Best....
I'm literally stuck...barely move..
Reminds me of my Father...a quite man..
Once his wife,my mother died, he died in 3 short wks..he loved her way more than he ever showed..he had nothing left..!!
No Reason to Live...
I'm right there at this Moment..
I loved Judy...and hardly ever showed it..
At least she knew..hard to believe looking at her now..struggling to come back..
She's never coming home..!!

I predict..a stroke or heart attack..will get her..
Today marks 3 day, I haven't seen her..
What a POS...I really am..!!
We brought here back..but for What..
To continue to Suffer...Fuck That..

Yet..another one I've let down..now Dead..!!

Well Gentlemen...
It's has been the Honor of My Life..
The Brothers I've never seen..the love I've never know from a brother..
A Family...

Now...at 8:50am...
I have no dreams..no ambition..no money and without..My Love..
But..because of a Brother here..JJ...
I will never take my Life...
A promise..is a contract..and Damn it..If I'm nothing I'm a man of my Word......
In a shit World..in a time of pussies..a place so cold, without compassion..
Where a Man reaches out...and ask a friend..for a contract between two Men..an Oath..
I will crawl out of my Grave..to Honor that Promise..
Worry Not JJ....
I will not let another one slip by...EVER..

Right Now...
I know Nothing..in unimaginable pain and grief..feel like I'm drowning..yet no water..
Wait...
This I Do know...
I haven't met anyone..so cold..so determined...
Such conviction ..as myself..
If the roles were reversed..
Judy home..me in the Hospital or Dead..
She wouldn't make it a month..fuck..I know..
Because I'm on this Road Now..
So. Perhaps this was God..once again..
I couldn't leave this woman, and she wouldn't leave me..God knows I've tried..

About time for another drink..alone..!!
I don't know what tomorrow holds..
Hell, today everything is Broken..
And..that includes Me..

I know now...
I'm to walk alone.
In the Dark..as a child long ago..with no hope...
This Darkness is Home...
Rarely..has a day passed in 57 yrs..I didn't know pain,regret or loss...
Today,I'm home..in my head..
I can never wash these hand Clean..
This is my Plight..my Journey...
My Curse..
I'm used to it..but bringing others into my..
That's so Over...!!

Got some things to finalize here ..
But..don't expect much from me..anymore..!!
Zion

 

[Bolan]

We love you man, we all go through bad shit.
My kid dying, a nasty Divorce after 25 years of being married who I loved dearly, an elderly father going through dementia.
Im sure there was nothing you could do for Judy, you didnt know what was happening, dont put the guilt on yourself!!!!!!!
Life is a struggle... Im not saying Im worse off than you at all.. Luckily Im still somewhat healthy, but @ 54, anything could happen.
My motto is
Stay afloat, keep treading water. Stay afloat.
Be Strong

 

[Boykinben82]

You are a respected and loved man. Your path has been tougher than lost which had made you who you are today. Never forget the people you have helped and I am praying for you Z. I truly mean that.

 

[Onidus]

Z you have been through more then any one man should have to endure. We all respect and love you here man, if I can help in anyway pm me. I'm not a rich man but if I can help in that area also I will do what I can brother.

 

[Meetketchup]

You are a brave, humble and strong man. Respect for pushing through and opening up to strangers on what is a very difficult situation that most of us wouldn't be able to come out of. Keep fighting, tomorrow is always better.

 

[zionoir626]

Well...sad to say this part of the journey..I'm walking alone..I've tried many times to reach out to Brothers and friends here..
Just needed some kindness..none found..

So..facing being homeless on top of Judy in a coma..Life shattering stuff..
Not a word from my two children..that hurts..
People I've known won't pick up..
Truly a disappointment..
What can I even say..

I'm off to fight Everything..by myself..
Friends mean nothing to me if they only want to be your friends when it's convenient for them..
Those aren't Friends...
And Don't read this and feel sorry..and call..
And Don't act like you didn't know..

I invested my time in wrong ways, trusted people and just needed some kind words..
Received more from the few that barely know me..

This is hard to swallow..but knowing someone is struggling like I am..and turn their backs..
Good luck when hard times come..
I have no more words to say..
Z...