I'm a shy 19 Year old with low self esteem.. But incredibly good at hiding it...
I've always been known as shy, but I figured I would grow out of it. I'm always told I'm good looking... One girl when i was in school even told me that all the girls wanted me, It being true or not I'd never believe it and I NEVER made the most of that... It's now at the point where i figured sitting at home is easier then feeling awkward socially, so I've done that and I pushed away all my close friends. I have a good body for the short training I've done, I've always been called down to earth.. Yet none of that matters because i am INCAPABLE of believing it, I see people that have got life a lot worse then me in terms of how they look, there body.. anything.. But I look at them in envy of them being able to meet people and just do things. I will avoid doing things, I will avoid social contact, if it's unavoidable i will spend huge amounts of time thinking about every last detail on how it can go.
I've NEVER had a proper girlfriend. Some people in the street would look at me and the way i can carry myself and think none of this is true, I manage to hide it all... And just lie about it. Because I feel I will never be able to tell people the truth I'm a fucking loser.
Listen to this for extreme, I went traveling... Figured I'd shake shit up a bit, force myself to meet people. Got to the Hostel where i have to live with other human beings that AREN'T my family, paid for it.. Few hours later backed out went to a Hotel paid for that, stayed in Hotels for a week and came home. The problem is if i can lie to make my life easier I will lie. That's an example of how bad this has really become. To think i spend every Friday and Saturday night just in my house on computer games. I feel I will never have enough courage to tell someone this face to face.
My whole life I've been taught to think like fucking crazy, think what I'm going to do now, how I'm gonna do it, Where I'm gonna do it. For ONE second i want to stop fucking thinking. I don't want to care at what anyone thinks of me I don't want to have to keep trying to be "perfect", I want to DO things. Not think! My mind doesn't rest... I'm not sure i can even face going to some hypnotherapy or life coaching shit.. I will find a way out of it I bet...
I'm inferior because i THINK I'm inferior, I will never have a girlfriend if I think I'm a loser... My family don't even know me properly, I won't ever tell them how i really feel because I know how THEY think...
Any advice or anyone else has this, I think i must be the only person on the planet like this, I don't even have a valid reason to be a fucking loser. I played semi-professional football have succeeded in most things I've done.. But In my mind I'm nothing.
EDIT : I've even been thinking of going on like a working holiday visa to Australia just to really fuck shit up for me somehow, just something to put me in a position of no fucking backing out. Not sure if this is stupid or could actually work...
I've always been known as shy, but I figured I would grow out of it. I'm always told I'm good looking... One girl when i was in school even told me that all the girls wanted me, It being true or not I'd never believe it and I NEVER made the most of that... It's now at the point where i figured sitting at home is easier then feeling awkward socially, so I've done that and I pushed away all my close friends. I have a good body for the short training I've done, I've always been called down to earth.. Yet none of that matters because i am INCAPABLE of believing it, I see people that have got life a lot worse then me in terms of how they look, there body.. anything.. But I look at them in envy of them being able to meet people and just do things. I will avoid doing things, I will avoid social contact, if it's unavoidable i will spend huge amounts of time thinking about every last detail on how it can go.
I've NEVER had a proper girlfriend. Some people in the street would look at me and the way i can carry myself and think none of this is true, I manage to hide it all... And just lie about it. Because I feel I will never be able to tell people the truth I'm a fucking loser.
Listen to this for extreme, I went traveling... Figured I'd shake shit up a bit, force myself to meet people. Got to the Hostel where i have to live with other human beings that AREN'T my family, paid for it.. Few hours later backed out went to a Hotel paid for that, stayed in Hotels for a week and came home. The problem is if i can lie to make my life easier I will lie. That's an example of how bad this has really become. To think i spend every Friday and Saturday night just in my house on computer games. I feel I will never have enough courage to tell someone this face to face.
My whole life I've been taught to think like fucking crazy, think what I'm going to do now, how I'm gonna do it, Where I'm gonna do it. For ONE second i want to stop fucking thinking. I don't want to care at what anyone thinks of me I don't want to have to keep trying to be "perfect", I want to DO things. Not think! My mind doesn't rest... I'm not sure i can even face going to some hypnotherapy or life coaching shit.. I will find a way out of it I bet...
I'm inferior because i THINK I'm inferior, I will never have a girlfriend if I think I'm a loser... My family don't even know me properly, I won't ever tell them how i really feel because I know how THEY think...
Any advice or anyone else has this, I think i must be the only person on the planet like this, I don't even have a valid reason to be a fucking loser. I played semi-professional football have succeeded in most things I've done.. But In my mind I'm nothing.
EDIT : I've even been thinking of going on like a working holiday visa to Australia just to really fuck shit up for me somehow, just something to put me in a position of no fucking backing out. Not sure if this is stupid or could actually work...
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