Oddly, “that shit be calling me” doesn’t apply to me. I am pretty fucking stubborn and each of the three times I got in over my head I didn’t see it coming. So I can’t fall back into it unless I want to.
But looking back on it with a sober mind, that shit distorts your mind so much you don’t even see a problem. One of the craziest things I would do is to label everything. My house might as well been the Bat Cave. So some of the things I own still have writings on them. I leterally just thought I was using my prescribed medicine…in my own way. I am pretty sure the doctors didn’t want me jacking 180-8mg dilaudids in two weeks, using up a months supply.
Kicking is absolutely terrible/miserable and enough to certainly want to kill yourself. First two times I did it on my own, cold turkey. The third I fessed up to my wife and she helped me wean off over a few weeks. That was definitely easier. The added embarassment factor helped too.
Rehab wouldn’t work for me. Sitting in a room with a bunch of junkies talking about how much they love being junkies (except for the junkie part) is the opposite of what I needed. Going on hikes, to the beach, into the forest etc. reminded me I was still alive and the dope thing was pretty stupid.
When I worked in jails I would listen to the girls talking about feeling like shit and kicking. Then one would say they used a gram a day of heroin, and another would say “Ooooo, that sounds so good.” Blew my mind. Jail is the cheapestand best rehab IF you don’t seek out jail junk. The key is moving away as soon as you get out. Going straight from jail to the shooting gallery ain’t very smart.
After reading you post yesterday I thought about this. My brother and my best friend are raising their grandchildren because of their junkie kids either being incapable or in prison. That same bestfriend and another good friend had brothers who OD’d. I know three guys who’s children have OD’d.
I get life sucks and chemical, transient escape seem like a plan but it really only leads one place. Unless you reroute your destination.