glutiusflatosis
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- Feb 16, 2019
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Fuck. I haven’t been here in so long. I really don’t know where to start. If you don’t remember my old account S.Cheeks than for shits and giggles I’ll re introduce myself. I fell in love with bodybuilding on my deployment in 2009. Lifting weight that boys couldn’t lift gave me such a sense of control and power in a world I felt powerless in. After the death of my son in 2012 I took a turn for a while. After a few months of extreme self destructive behavior I finally cared enough about myself to make a change. When I met my husband, lokthan, I knew that my self love journey was going only up from there. But then, we had a child unexpectedly after some relationship issues and it plummeted me into an anxiety filled depression. Somewhere along the line my brain started deciding what was and was not important enough to allocate time and thought too. I NEVER make the cut. The gym used to be such a high for me. Even on the days I dreaded the gym, I left feeling like a fucking super hero. Last year I finally decided to have my old hernia rechecked since it had been hurting. Sure as shit it was re-torn and I found out my Lyme disease I didn’t know I had was helping it hurt worse. Us having little to no support, we had no choice but for me to be up on my feet with our kiddo the next day while lok had school. Same goes for when he had his surgery. Since then, I’ve lost all motivation. I went to and graduated from esthetician’s school, with honors, which is wonderful but it was such a struggle. Doing anything for anyone else is so easy and yet I struggle to remember to eat or drink water. I want to care about myself and I always get distracted with thoughts of things I NEED to accomplish to make someone else happy. I have no clue where to start in the gym at this point and honestly have the desire to go but my motivation continues to be shit all over by me. I haven’t done really much of any working out in over a year and my body is so tight and pissed off that stretching is a god damn workout. Starting all the way back at ground zero is really demoralizing. I want this though. Not to just to impress my husband or to look sexy. But to just actually give a shit about me again and feel strong, that’s the goal. Anyone that made it this far through thank you. After experiencing death so many times without dealing with it; I guess I’m just having an existential crisis and I’m not handling it well. I know this forum isn’t typically for this type of rant but I figured if I was likely to find anyone that can relate, it’d be on here.
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