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Funny Thread

Get Shredded!

Mother and daughter go to the doctor​

After running some tests due to some non specific symptoms, the doctor tell them, “well looks like you are going to be a grandma, your daughter is pregnant ma’am”

The mother is infuriated, insults the doctor telling him that her daughter “knows no man” and leaves the office fuming.

Then they go to another doctor and again he tells them the daughter is pregnant. She then again leaves insulted at the doctor for such a diagnosis

Then they go to a third doctor,as he is reviewing the daughter lab results, the mother says “can you please confirm me that those two other doctors were quacks and unprofessional please? My daughter is not pregnant! I know this!”

After some reflection the doctor then says: “you are right ma’am, she is Not Pregnant”

The mother then jumps with joy saying “aha I knew it! Those incompetent fools shouldn’t even have gone to medical school”

However, interrupts the doctor “just make sure you buy a nice stroller so you can take to the park the huge fart she is going to have in 7 months”
 

Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.​

“Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.
"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank."

After a slight hesitation, she put down: "Piggy."
 

A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat.​

After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”

“The cat is dead,” he replied coldly.

She cried out and said, “You could have said the cat is playing on the roof on the first day, and the next day, it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing’s dead!

No reply. The wife sighed sadly, “Anyways, how’s my mom?”

“She’s playing on the roof.”
 

Mother and daughter go to a store to buy clothes...​

The mother tries on a dress and asks her teenage daughter:

Mother: Does this dress look good on me?

Daughter: Mom, you promise that no matter what I say you won't be mad?

Mother: I promise.

Daughter: I'm pregnant.
 

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"​

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made...”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
 

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"​



A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."<br>
"Call of Duty, right? I told you I'd bang your mom."
 

A religious mother sees her young son masturbating​

When the father gets home he sees that the mother is beyond consolation. 'Oh no what would God think of us for raising such an immoral child' she cries hysterically.

The father tells her 'Honey don't worry, let me deal with it, tomorrow I am gonna take our son on a road trip and we will have a man to man chat and I will make him understand the virtues of living in a religious way and make him get rid of this deplorable habit'.

The next day while driving together on their road trip the father tells the son that masturbating is a sin and is frowned upon in their religion and God punishes those who does it. The son is not convinced and tells his father that God has better things to do than watch him jerk off.

The father sees that his son doesn't believe in sin so he decides to try another approach, this time based on science. He tells him;

'Son do you know that masturbation can damage eye sight'?. The son doesn't believe it at first but was intrigued. 'What no way', he says ' No son, it's true, masturbating can cause eye defects'. The kid is now scared and says 'Really dad, but....but how?'.

The father then points to the road and says 'Son do you see those two cars in front of us?, A masturbation addict would see four cars. The son stares at the road for a moment and says;

'Uh....but dad there is only one car in front of us'
 

Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."​

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
 

A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Sally was in the house naked.​

So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."

She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet however, she discovers the Aunt in the nude, and gives her a tight slap, "How dare you! My husband is having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
 

18 year old Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree.​

Her mom responded, “Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!” Maria replied, “See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!”
 

A mother and her young daughter were visiting New York City.​

The mother was trying to hail a cab when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asked "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"

The mother replies "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work.”

The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says "Ah, c'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud! They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"

The mother replies "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"
 
Get Shredded!

Kim Jong-un walks into a school in North Korea.​

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of True Korea,

outstanding in her beauty, international superpower, and

redeemer of all civilisations, she is our only mother."

Kim Jong applauds. "What a diligent student you are. What do you want to be when you're older?"

The student replies "An orphan."
 

A mother shark is teaching her young one how to eat humans. "First, you go straight at them and then you circle them.​

You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them."

"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"

"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the shit still inside?"
 

A young amish woman is in a carriage with her mother​

She starts complaining to her mother about how cold her hands are.
Her mother says, “Put them between your legs, they’ll warm right up.”
She puts her hands between her thighs and they warm up.

Three days later she’s in a carriage with another person, and this man just won’t shut up about his hands being cold.
She tells him “Put them in between my legs, they’ll warm right up.”
So he does and they warm up, a few minutes pass and he starts complaining again… his nose is cold.
She says, “Put it between my legs it’ll warm up”

Later that night she gets home and asks her mother, “Mom, what’s a penis?”
Her mom freaks out and asks, “Why?”
She replies, “Because it sure is messy when it thaws out”
 

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"​

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".

Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father : "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."

This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,he went straight to his mother crying.

Son : "Mum I am so mad at dad ! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because daddy is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says:

"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your Father.
 

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!​

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
The following day, the girl says to her mother. ‘Mum, today we measured our chests in class and mine is the largest! Is that because I’m blonde?’
‘No darling, that’s because you’re 18.’
 

A mother, father, and 6-year-old son go to a zoo..​

where they stop to see the elephant. While the father’s in the bathroom, the son notices one elephant has a rather large erection. Curious, he gets his mom’s attention.
“Mommy, what’s that hanging from the elephant?” “Oh, that’s its trunk honey.” “No, further back!” “Ah, you mean its tail!” “No, between its legs! That, what is that?” The mother goes red. “Oh, that’s... that’s nothing, honey.”


The father returns and the mother goes off to use the bathroom. Still curious, the sons asks his dad:
“Daddy, what’s that hanging from the elephant?” “His trunk, son.” “No, further back!” “You mean his tail?” “No, that thing! Between his legs!” “Oh, that! Well, that’s the elephant’s penis.” “Oh!... Why did Mommy say it was nothing?” “Son, I have SPOILED that woman.”
 
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