My neighbor's boat has a peculiar name: Innuendo. After failing to divine some deep, hidden meaning, I asked him how he came up with the name. He answered, "My wife works for a proctologist."
-
👋Hello, please SIGN-UP FOR A FREE account and become a member of our community!
You will then be able to start threads, post comments and send messages to other members. Thanks! -
💪Check Out IronMag Labs Andro Hard® - Powered by R-Andro & Epi-Andro! 💊 -
👉Check Out Platinum Pharms🌽Corn Hole Sale!🌽
Funny Thread
- Thread starter Multislacking
- Start date
Doing rounds, a new nurse couldn't help overhearing the surgeon yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"
"Why does he keep doing that?" she asked a colleague.
"Oh, he likes to call the shots around here."
"Why does he keep doing that?" she asked a colleague.
"Oh, he likes to call the shots around here."
Last Valentine's Day, I arrived at the doctor's office where I work as a receptionist to find a mystery man pacing up and down holding a package. As I got out of the car, he declared warmly, "I have something for you." I excitedly ripped open the bundle. It was a urine sample.
A little boy was brought into our emergency room after ingesting part of a plug-in air freshener. After consulting Poison Control and monitoring him, the doctor wrote on his discharge, "Patient doing well. Ready to go home. Smells good."
Following my husband's physical exam, the doctor delivered some bad news. "Your white blood cells are elevated," he said.
"What does that mean?" I asked.
Looking concerned, the doctor explained, "Up."
"What does that mean?" I asked.
Looking concerned, the doctor explained, "Up."
Dr. Smith asks his patient, "Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?"
The patient replies, "Give me the good news."
Dr. Smith says, "You're about to have a disease named after you."
The patient replies, "Give me the good news."
Dr. Smith says, "You're about to have a disease named after you."
As I was admitted to the hospital prior to a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying, "I'm going to give you a bracelet."
"Has it got rubies and diamonds?" I asked coyly.
"No," he said. "But it costs just as much."
"Has it got rubies and diamonds?" I asked coyly.
"No," he said. "But it costs just as much."
Proofreading an instruction manual for a hospital ventilator, I did a double take when I came across this questionable troubleshooting tip: "If the problem persists, replace patient immediately."
At the dentist's office for oral surgery, I was handed a couple of forms to fill out. As I signed the first one, I joked with the receptionist: "Does this say that even if you pull my head completely off, I can't sue you?"
"No, that's the next sheet," she said. "This one says you still have to pay us."
"No, that's the next sheet," she said. "This one says you still have to pay us."
Prior to his biopsy, a patient confessed to a fellow nurse just how nervous he was. "Don't worry," the nurse assured him. "You're just having a little autopsy."
A harried man runs into his physician's office. "Doctor! Doctor! My wife's in labor! But she keeps screaming, ‘Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, can't!'"
"Oh, that's okay," says the doctor. "She's just having contractions."
"Oh, that's okay," says the doctor. "She's just having contractions."
A guy suffering from a miserable cold begs his doctor for relief. The doctor prescribes pills. But after a week, the guy's still sick. So the doctor gives him a shot. But that doesn't help his condition either.
"Okay, this is what I want you to do," says the doctor on the third visit. "Go home and take a hot bath. Then throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."
"I'll get pneumonia!" protests the patient.
"I know. That I can cure."
"Okay, this is what I want you to do," says the doctor on the third visit. "Go home and take a hot bath. Then throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."
"I'll get pneumonia!" protests the patient.
"I know. That I can cure."
As I left my office at the National Cancer Institute, I passed one of our researchers by the front door puffing away on a cigarette.
"How can you smoke when you, of all people, know the harm caused by cigarettes?" I asked.
He took another draw, exhaled, and replied through the smoke, "Because it gives me more motivation to find a cure."
"How can you smoke when you, of all people, know the harm caused by cigarettes?" I asked.
He took another draw, exhaled, and replied through the smoke, "Because it gives me more motivation to find a cure."
When a rich businessman began to choke on a fish bone at a restaurant, a doctor seated at a nearby table sprang up, performed the Heimlich maneuver, and saved his life.
"Thank you, thank you!" said the businessman. "Please, I insist on paying you. Just name the fee."
"Okay," said the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"
"Thank you, thank you!" said the businessman. "Please, I insist on paying you. Just name the fee."
"Okay," said the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"
One crazy day in our pediatric clinic saw me hand a young patient a urine sample container and tell him to fill it up in the bathroom. A few minutes later, he returned to my nurses station with an empty cup.
"I didn't need this after all," he said. "There was a toilet in there."
"I didn't need this after all," he said. "There was a toilet in there."
Visiting the psych ward, a man asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient.
"Well," the director said, "we fill a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the tub."
"I get it," the visitor said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's the biggest."
"No," the director said. "A normal person would pull the plug."
"Well," the director said, "we fill a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the tub."
"I get it," the visitor said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's the biggest."
"No," the director said. "A normal person would pull the plug."
Our nephew was getting married to a doctor's daughter. At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper. Several times during his speech, he halted, overcome with what I assumed was a moment of deep emotion. But after a particularly long pause, he explained, "I'm sorry. I can't seem to make out what I've written down." Looking out into the audience, he asked, "Is there a pharmacist in the house?"
Desperate for registered nurses, my colleagues and I in hospital administration often share ideas to recruit employees. Out of exasperation, I made a joking plea to two of my colleagues, asking them to send me six nurses from each of their hospitals. That request prompted one of them to suggest a unique solution: "Send six nurses to the top three names on the list of hospital administrators, and then send your request to five other colleagues. In 14 days you will have received 1,567 nurses."
One day while at the doctor's office, the receptionist called me to the desk to update my personal file. Before I had a chance to tell her that all the information she had was still correct, she asked, "Has your birth date changed?"
After practicing law for several months, I was talking with my brother, John, a doctor. "My work is so exciting," I said. "People come into my office, tell me their problems and pay me for my advice."
As older brothers will, John took the upper hand. "You know," he said, "in my work, people come into my office, tell me their problems, take off all their clothes and then pay me for my advice."
As older brothers will, John took the upper hand. "You know," he said, "in my work, people come into my office, tell me their problems, take off all their clothes and then pay me for my advice."
I've reached the age where my prescription bill has caught up to my bar bill.
A broke guy walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on. Just then, he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie emerges.
“I will grant you three wishes,” intones the genie.
“Give me a bottomless mug of beer,” the guy says.
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He takes a sip, then another. With each chug, the mug magically refills.
“And for your other two wishes?”
Between swallows, the lucky guy shouts, “Give me two more just like this one!”
“I will grant you three wishes,” intones the genie.
“Give me a bottomless mug of beer,” the guy says.
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He takes a sip, then another. With each chug, the mug magically refills.
“And for your other two wishes?”
Between swallows, the lucky guy shouts, “Give me two more just like this one!”
I was having a drink at a local restaurant with my friend Justin when he spotted an attractive woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering his courage, he approached her and asked, "Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responded by yelling at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't come over to your place tonight!"
With everyone in the restaurant staring, Justin crept back to our table, puzzled and humiliated.
A few minutes later, the woman walked over to us and apologized.
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you," she said, "but I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying human reaction to embarrassing situations."
At the top of his lungs Justin responded, "What do you mean, two hundred dollars?"
She responded by yelling at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't come over to your place tonight!"
With everyone in the restaurant staring, Justin crept back to our table, puzzled and humiliated.
A few minutes later, the woman walked over to us and apologized.
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you," she said, "but I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying human reaction to embarrassing situations."
At the top of his lungs Justin responded, "What do you mean, two hundred dollars?"
One night my friend John and I were sitting at a bar where he used to work, when an attractive woman, a former co-worker, came in and sat next to him. She told him she had just had a fight with her husband, a police officer, and needed to get out of the house for a while.
They had been talking for a few minutes when, as a joke, I leaned over to John. "Don't look now," I whispered, "but a guy about six-five just walked in. And he's got a gun."
Without hesitating, John turned to me. "Quick, Ed," he said, "kiss me on the lips."
They had been talking for a few minutes when, as a joke, I leaned over to John. "Don't look now," I whispered, "but a guy about six-five just walked in. And he's got a gun."
Without hesitating, John turned to me. "Quick, Ed," he said, "kiss me on the lips."
Three vampires walk into a bar. "What can I get ya?" asks the bartender.
"Blood," orders the first vampire.
"Make it two," says the second.
The bartender looks at the third. "What about you, buddy?"
"Plasma," says the vampire.
"Okay," replies the barman. "Let me make sure I've got this straight. Two bloods and a blood light."
"Blood," orders the first vampire.
"Make it two," says the second.
The bartender looks at the third. "What about you, buddy?"
"Plasma," says the vampire.
"Okay," replies the barman. "Let me make sure I've got this straight. Two bloods and a blood light."
This duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “Do you have any grapes"?
The bartender says, "No we only sell beer here". The duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes"?
The bartender says, "No I told you we only sell beer, and if you ask me again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar.” So the duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender “Do you have any nails"? The bartender says "no".
The duck asks “Do you have any grapes"?
The bartender says, "No we only sell beer here". The duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes"?
The bartender says, "No I told you we only sell beer, and if you ask me again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar.” So the duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender “Do you have any nails"? The bartender says "no".
The duck asks “Do you have any grapes"?
A guy sees a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar. He walks up to her and says, "Where have you been all my life?"
"Well," she says, "for the first half of it, I wasn't even born."
"Well," she says, "for the first half of it, I wasn't even born."
A drunk walks into a drugstore and asks for a bottle of mouthwash.
"I’m not selling you that," says the druggist. "You’ll drink it for the alcohol and get sick outside my door!"
"Not true!" insists the drunk. "I have my first date in over a year, and I want to make a good impression."
"Oh, I’m sorry. Here." The druggist takes a bottle of mouthwash off the shelf and puts it on the counter.
The drunk stares at it. "Got one that’s been refrigerated?"
"I’m not selling you that," says the druggist. "You’ll drink it for the alcohol and get sick outside my door!"
"Not true!" insists the drunk. "I have my first date in over a year, and I want to make a good impression."
"Oh, I’m sorry. Here." The druggist takes a bottle of mouthwash off the shelf and puts it on the counter.
The drunk stares at it. "Got one that’s been refrigerated?"
Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his barstool and lies motionless on the floor.
"One thing about Fred," his buddy says to the bartender. "He knows when to stop."
"One thing about Fred," his buddy says to the bartender. "He knows when to stop."
A bar in our neighborhood got lots of interesting traffic. Cars swerved into the parking lot, and the drivers would run inside only to reappear minutes later looking confused. One reason might have been the sign outside: "Free Beer, Topless Bartenders, and False Advertising."