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Funny Thread

Reporter to the old guy sitting next to his wife: "what's your secret for 80 years of happy and successful marriage?"​

The old man replied "i'm gonna tell you a story, 75 years ago we were on a trip, we were horseback riding just ive two of us, out of nowhere her horse went crazy and throw her off on the ground, she calmly got up, cleared herself of dust and facing ive horse said "that's one" then got back on the horse and we continued our riding, after a while her horse again throw her off, she got up calmly cleared the dust and facing the horse said "that's two" and got back on the horse and we continued our ride, and both times i was amazed by how calm and peaceful my wife is, after a while her horse again for ive 3rd time throw her off, my wife calmly got up cleared the dust off of her dress, grabbed the shotgun and shot ive horse in the face, i, shocked by what ive seen started yelling at her calling her crazy and insane, my wife however kept looking at me calmly, once i finished she said "that's one" ."
 

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great singer, and the other had a delicious bakery.​

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
 

The effects of marriage on sex.​

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

10 years and 45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.
 
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A Captain's wife after a year of marriage​

loves her husband dearly, misses him the long weeks he's upon the unforgiving sea earning their keep, but worries some fateful day he won't return. Wise woman that she is, she knew what man, what life she chose. Her man is Captain of the Rigid Timber, hardest working ship on the sea. He is an honest leader of a worthy crew, and a loyal lover. When he returns from a particularly long time on the briney main, he scoops her in his arms, carries her up to their bed, and finds she has shaven her port bare, and had a replica of the Rigid Timber tattooed there between her thighs. This way, whether he returns or not, he can do the honorable thing, and go down on his ship.
 

After experiencing a dry spell in her marriage, a woman decides to see if there’s anything she can do to help her husband.​

She heads to her local chemist and bravely asks the store worker if there’s anything she can buy to spice up her love life.

“Hi, can I get Viagra here?” she asks the old male pharmacist working at the local chemist.
When he confirms that they do sell Viagra she asks: “Can you get it over the counter?”
Cheekily, the pharmacist replies: “If you give him enough of it he’ll get it over his shoulder!“
 

What is marriage like?​

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "My son is almost grown up now. Over the weekend he asked me what marriage is like," he tells the bartender. "So, what did you tell him?" the bartender asks. "I told him, 'It's fine.' And then I gave him the silent treatment for three days."
 

After my wife and I consummated our marriage during the honeymoon, she sat me down to address the first speed bump of our lifelong commitment. "Darling I know this is something men are very sensitive about, but really, having a small penis should never ruin the love between spouses."​

She's absolutely right, but you know... I still wish she didn't have one
 

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening….​

when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed downward again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful. Why did you stop?”

“I found the remote,” he said.
 
How many parents got a letter home from school saying no Halloween masks lol
 

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A Priest congratulates the elderly married couple for 60 yrs of marriage...​

"So, how'd you do it?" the Priest asks the elderly man. "Any wisdom you give might help some of our younger parishioners who are just recently married."

The man pauses and thinks for a minute. He answers matter-of-factly, "Going out to dinner twice a week saved our marriage."

The priest nodded and then raised an eyebrow. "Twice a week? That's got to be pretty expensive!"

"Not at all," said the old man. "She goes out on Thursdays, and I go out on Sundays."
 

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.​

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.


One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly afterward, they were married.


A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.
So he went in, ordered, and had 3 extra large helpings of delicious baked beans. He farted all the way home. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.


His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, “Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!” She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.


At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.


While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.


He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP!!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Then he got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table fell over. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.


Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, “SURPRISE!!!”


There, seated around the table to his great alarm, were twelve dinner guests for his surprise birthday party!
 

A minister is giving a sermon on marital relations and happiness in marriage.​

He states that those who have the happiest marriages have very regular conjugal relations. To prove his point he asks those who have such relations several times a week to stand. As they do he sees a smiling group of people. Then he asks who have conjugal relations several times a month and those who stand smile significantly less. Then he notices a couple sitting near the front and the man is grinning broadly. He hadn't stood for weekly or monthly and yet looked the happiest of all the parishioners. Intrigued the minister asked him how often he had conjugal relations and the man replied: "once a year." The minister was perplexed, but while he mulled over the apparent contradiction the man continued: "and tonight’s the night."
 

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl...​

After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

"It's simple" billionaire boasts... "I faked my age"

"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks.

With a smile on his lips billionaire responds "85 years old"
 

A young Irish girl goes to confession...​

...and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.”

“Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend... FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my passion. And, I think I may have wailed like a banshee. More than once. And me legs was all wibbly wobbly, even the next mornin’. But, I know that makin’ love to me boyfriend before marriage is a sin, and I’ve come seekin’ absolution.

The priest sits back, rubs his forehead, and looks at the young lass and says, “Right. What I need for you to do is go down to Mr. O’Malley’s market and get four good sized lemons. Go home, cut them in half, and squeeze the juice into a nice tall glass and drink in down straight away.”

The girl looks at the priest with a confused look and asks, “ Will that absolve me of me sin, Father?”

“NO, but it’ll wipe the smile off yer face!”
 

Marriage Counselling​

A couple go to get counselling. The counsellor asks why they think they need counselling and before the man gets a chance to speak his wife starts.

"He’s always horny and often wants sex at the least convenient times."

"Ok!" says the counsellor "can you give me an example?"

The wife thinks for a moment then begins "Well! Just last week I was busy doing the laundry, I had no sooner closed the machine door when he walked up behind me, pulled my pants and panties down, bent me over the edge of the machine and fucked me from behind."

The counsellor is a little confused "I see nothing wrong with that, many people have sex while they are doing chores."

"What!!!” Exclaimed the wife. "While at the laundromat???"
 

A man was driving home from work when he remembered it was the 20th anniversary of his marriage​

He still needed to get a gift for his wife, so he stopped at the department store on his way home. He quickly went to the lingerie department to pick up a gift and a sales associate was very happy to help. The sales associate asked what his budget was, to which he responded about $50. She showed him some lingerie sets for around the $50 mark, and they were all very basic and underwhelming to him. Suddenly, a sexy negligee caught the man's eye. It was very sheer with a thin bit of trim around the neckline, but cost $499. He decided that it is his 20th anniversary, he should spend a little on his wife, so he had the sales associate ring him up and wrap it up for him.

When he eventually got home, he handed his wife the wrapped package and said, "Happy 20th anniversary, my dear. Why don't you go try this on?" She quickly disappeared up to the bedroom and unwrapped the gift when she found that the sales associate had left the receipt in the box. "$500?!" the wife thought to herself. "There's barely anything here! I can return this and get something I really want with the $500. I'll just strip down and wear a little bit of string around my neck, my husband won't know that I'm naked. He'll think I'm wearing the negligee!" And so she does. She calls her husband up to the bedroom. When he walks in, he looks his wife up and down and lets out a low whistle. She asks, "What do you think, honey?" He replied, "Well, for what I spent on that, you think they could have ironed it!"
 
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