• 👋Hello, please SIGN-UP FOR A FREE account and become a member of our community!
    You will then be able to start threads, post comments and send messages to other members. Thanks!
  • 💪Check Out IronMag Labs Andro Hard® - Powered by R-Andro & Epi-Andro! 💊
  • 👉Check Out Platinum Pharms🌽Corn Hole Sale!🌽

Funny Thread

IML Gear Cream!

A kid walks into his parent’s room​

He sees that his mom and dad are fucking.
He asks his dad “ Dad, what are you doing ? “
The Dad says “ I’m getting you a new baby brother or sister by doing it like this…”
The kid replies “ But I don’t want a baby brother or sister, can you do it doggystyle so i can get a pet instead ? “
 

Three children ask their parents how they got their names​

The parents reply to the first child, “That’s east Rose, not long after you were born a rose petal fell onto your head”.

The second child butts in, “But dad where did you you get the name Daisy?”

“The same as your sister, a daisy petal fell on your head”

“Mughuahuhwawawah”
r>“Shut up Fridge!”
 

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…​

  • My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
  • CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
  • Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
  • McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
  • Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
  • Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
  • A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico.
  • A picture is now only worth 200 words.
  • The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
  • I called a car dealer to get the book value on my used car. They asked if the gas tank was full or empty
And finally...
- I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, social security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
 

Dear parents​

if your kids are taking long inside the bathroom and you want them to come out, simply turn off the wireless/Internet.
and you might even see your neighbor showing up at your door, asking: is there a problem?
 

Mike was going to have dinner at his girlfriend’s to meet her parents for the first time​

Before heading to her house he stopped at the pharmacy, tells the guy behind the counter

“Hi, can you please give me a rubber please, I’m going to meet my GF parents tonight and afterwards who knows right? Better yet give me two, my GF’s sister is hot too and she is always locking eyes with me.

Then just as he is about to pay he tells the guy “you know what give me another one, my mother in law is one of those MILFs who hits the gym a lot and you never know right?

He then goes to have dinner with his GF and her family, afterwards his Gf Tell him, “you were so quiet, didn’t know you were so shy”

To which Mike replies “well, I didn’t know your daddy was a Pharmacist...”
 

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce​

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar, your honour" she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he just can't communicate with me!!
 

My conservative Christian parents sent me to one of those massive youth group events that celebrates how cool it is to be a virgin​

Joke's on them, I went to the Star Trek convention next door instead
 

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly, the woman gathers courage to go ask him out. She walks over, takes a seat next to him, turns and says...​

"Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure...but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing a Metallica t-shirt. They're my favorite band of all time. When they went on their And Justice For All tour, my parents took me to see them in Chicago. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Metallica."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play in Chicago too! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Mike and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the World Music Theater!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"
 

Polish, Ukrainian and Russian babies get mixed up in the hospital​

Now, parents are trying to figure out which baby belongs to which parent.

Ukrainian decides to go first and yells "Slava Ukraini!"

One baby immediately jumps up and pulls into the attention position.

Ukrainian knows that's their baby and picks it up.

Polish takes the second baby and Russian looks completely confused.

"How did you know the second baby is yours?" asks the Russian.

"The one who smiled when Ukrainian yelled is mine" Polish answered, "but the one who wetted the nursing bed, is yours."
 

A young man is meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time​

A young man is meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time. They're sitting in the living room chatting when he realizes that he really needs to fart. It's so bad that he's in extreme pain. Finally, he can't help it. He lifts one cheek and let's out a squeeker. "Spot" the father yells looking at the dog curled at the young man's feet. "Great" the young man thinks. "He thinks it's the dog. If I let a couple more fly I'll be fine." The young man let's out a slightly noisier fart. "Spot!" the father yells. The young man looks down at the dog feigning disgust, pleased at his ruse, and thinks "one more and I'm good." He goes for broke and rips off a monster. The father screams "Spot! Get away from that boy before he shits on you!"
 

Mohammad, a child of Arab parents was enrolled in a school in New York. On the first day, his teacher asked, ‘What is your name?’ The boy replied, ‘Mohammad’.​

‘From now on your name is Harry as you are in America,’ she said.

In the evening, when he came back, his mother asked, ‘How was your day Mohammad?’ He said, ‘My name is not Mohammad. I’m in America and my name is Harry.’ His mother slapped him and said angrily: ‘Aren’t you ashamed of trying to dishonour your parents, your heritage, your religion?’ Then she called his father and he also slapped him.

The next day when the teacher saw him with his face red and asked what happened, Mohammad said, ‘Madam, four hours after I became American, I was attacked by two Arabs'.
 
Dude wants that appreciation lolScreenshot_20221018-174235_Reddit.jpg

Sent from my SM-N975U1 using Tapatalk
 
IML Gear Cream!

A man goes to meet his girlfriend's family (long)​

A man goes to meet his fiancee's family. At the house is the fiancee, her parents, and her super attractive younger sister. After dinner, the fiancee goes to her room to unpack, the mother is in the kitchen doing dishes, and the father is in his mancave, leaving the man and his girlfriend's sister alone in the living room.

After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, the sister says to the man "I know you want me. I'm so much hotter and cuter than my sister. I'll let you take me into the closet for seven minutes in Heaven. No one will have to know."

The man quickly gets up from his seat and sprints towards the front door. On the other side of the door is the fiancee, the mother and the father, all with big smiles on their faces. The father says "My boy, this was a secret test to prove you would be a faithful husband to my daughter. You had a chance to sneak some time with my younger daughter, and you chose to walk out rather than cheat on your fiancee. I would be proud to call you my son-in-law."

Moral of the story: always keep the condoms in your glove compartment.
 

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom....​

He saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.


One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.


Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
 

One night when my girlfriend was sleeping over, we were quite noisy during bed time. The next day, my parents brought us in for a talk.​

They said "It's okay that you two do stuff like that, but please use a rubber and keep the volume down a little, ok?"
Which I responded to "I am sorry, the noise can be dealt with but condoms are for pussies"

"Afterall, we only had anal."
 

I heard somewhere that 1 in 5 people is Chinese​

And there's 5 people in my family so one of them must be Chinese

I know I'm not Chinese, and I'm pretty sure my parents aren't Chinese so that leaves my 2 brothers

Colin and Chong Lin

I think it's Colin
 

A kindergarten teacher is teaching her students about the five senses.​

Today, she's demonstrating to the class the sense of taste. To do so, she unwraps a bunch of candies and has the students guess what flavor they are. The students are doing great at first. They correctly guess the flavor of every candy, until they get to a honey-flavored one. For several minutes, the students guess every flavor they can think of until the room is silent, they can't figure it out. Finally, the teacher says, "Alright class, I'll give you a hint. It's something your parents probably call each other all the time!" The kids are all quiet for a few seconds until Little Johnny gasps, stands up and yells, "Spit 'em out, they're assholes!"
 

Two parents want to have sex​

Their 7 years old son was in the room, so they tell him to go on the balcony to play with his toys

After the boy leaves they start having fun, after about 10 minutes the husband says:

-We should talk to him while he's on the balcony, i don't want him to feel alone

-Yeah, you're right

So the wife says in a louder voice:

-Honey, what are our neighbours doing?

The son replies:

-Well, Ms.Miller is moaning the lawn, Mr.Richard is washing his car and Jason's parents are having sex

-WHAT?! Honey, how do you know that??

-Because Jason is sitting on the balcony
 

Worst Parents​

I have the worst parents ever.

I asked them how they felt about abortion, and they told me to ask my brother.

Not only would they not give me a straight answer, I don't even have a brother.
 
Back
Top