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Funny Joke Thread

zionoir626

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Get Shredded!
Thanks Rod for the idea...
True Story...

Yrs ago I was working at a BMW dealer in Savannah..we were talking about religion..A tech said I used to be Catholic..What happened..?
Well I was around 10 or 11 and went to confession..told the Priest I was guilty of Jacking Off..He said What..??I'm hard of hearing..I said I was spanking the Monkey ..loud..I shouted..!

Well he said...Oh..some many hail Mary's and you're good..
But when I opened the door..there were 4 old ladies staring at me..I ran out-of-the Church..

I told him..no problem
I would have said..
And damn it..Im getting rid of that Money..

Feel Free to share your funnies
We could All use a laugh these days..
 
Lol
 
I was feeling kind of down the other day and was just staring at myself in the mirror. I said to my wife, "Honey...I'm feeling kind of down. I look in the mirror and all I see is a tired, old, fat guy and I could really use a compliment right now. Anything to make me feel a little bit better." The wife says, "Well your eyesight is damn near perfect."

- RIP Norm McDonald
 
Women are great...

God told Adam...I am going to give you a mate..
She will do all the cooking,clean house and keep you happy..
Adam said..Nice,what's the cost..??
God replied..Well..an arm and a leg..

Adam said..what can I get for a rib..!
 
What are the similarities between a woman and KFC?

Once you are done with the breasts and thighs, all you are left with is a greasy box to put your bone in.
 
IML Gear Cream!
Whattya tell a woman with two black eyes?



nuffin’ , done already told her twice.
 
Why do you feel smarter after sex? Because you've been plugged into a know it all.
 
Women are hard to figure or even understand at times..
But I'm more difficult than most..just ask my Girl..
 
Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks. If one starts quacking, they all do it, and the noise is terrible."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this woman!"
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on--a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The woman replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
 
A woman was about to get married for the fourth time and went to a gynecologist to make sure everything was alright. The gynecologist ran some tests and came back after awhile dumfounded, saying that according to his tests she was still a virgin. He asked her how she could still be a virgin after three marriages,

The woman said her first husband was a doctor and all he wanted to do was study it. Her second husband was a professor and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Her third husband was a contractor and whenever the subject of intimacy came up he said he’d get to it next week.

The doctor now curious asked her how this fourth marriage was going to be different?

She replied that’s easy. I’m about to marry an attorney, I know I’m going to get screwed.
 
I took my dad to the mall once to get him new shoes (he is 66). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him… the teenager had spiked hair in all different colors — blue, red, green and orange.

My dad kept staring at her. The teenager would keep looking and my dad would be staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked, “Whats the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn’t choke on his response — I knew he would have a good one.

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid: “Got stoned once and f**ked a parrot. Just wondering if you were my daughter.”
 
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
 
This fucking guy..DS..
Jokes and jokes..

A Classic..
What's the definition of a Vigina..???
The Box a penis comes In..
Z...
 
Adam watched Eve walk down to the river to bathe. God was watching down on her. When she submerged God said ‘we will never get that smell out of the fish’.
 
What do u call a man with no name & no nose.??


Nobody knows
 
What do you call 250 Native American women with their tits cut off?

The Indian Nippless 500.
 
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