Guys With Sons

You seem like a great guy. Keep the positive mind set, you guys will get through this. You got a great head on your shoulders. You have heart.
I’d like to give some input but I have only one, my daughter. And like someone posted it’s a different world now with all the cellphones and social media. I’ve had my problems with that bs with my daughter to. Anyway you got this man.

when i was a kid i never really bonded with my dad , he was always working and for whatever reason i always felt uncomfortable sitting on the couch watching tv with my parents when i was that age,, i would always go to my neighbors and it seemed like everyone else father was so much cooler,, my dad was never a real a=emotional guy. never really showed much love , although i knew he loved me we just didnt have that connection....
anyway long story short when my sister had kids he was now a grandpa,,, my sis and her husband were very loving and always hugging the kids and always interested in their daily life... my dad didnt want to miss out again so he used to go to all my nephews ball games , never missed one while they where growing up....

one day when i was about 30 years old my dad gave me a card . it said he was sorry he wasnt around for me like he should have been and just wanted to let me know that he loved me very much, (which i already knew cause he was always there to bail my ass out of jail and put a roof over my head)
what i didnt know is that other people (his employees) really loved him and looked up to him and what a great man he really was... i never saw that side of him until i started working for one of the companies he owned,,, anyway i can remember telling myself when i was younger i dont ever want to grow up to be like my dad.... now that i really know him and the struggles he had and all the things he has accomplished in his life i say i hope one day i can only hope to become half the man he is....

I work for one of the companies he helped build about 25 years ago .. he stepped down as president and retired prob 5 years ago now.
and at least once a week someone asks me either a customer or employee.. hey hows your dad doing? he was the best.
and i say he is doing great... and they say you certainly had some big shoes to fill... tell him i said hi....

you know what always gets me , when i hear that song cats in the cradle. thats so me and my dad
anyway man just be there for him , he will come around

i only read through the first page since i'm in a bit of a time crunch, but to me it's 2 possible reasons, as already mentioned it's just a phase. the second thought being that he's being picked on at school and this is him unleashing his frustration in a different way.

Skip Foursome said:

I remember having a hard time taking responsibility when I was his age.

A lot of it has to do with maturity and something that will come around with time.

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very well said skip, i was the same way as a young man.

His hormones are pegged for sure so thats one aspect but he likely just needs steady love and connection over years. He will never forget how you treated him so make sure he always knows he's loved. You are the rock in the relationship.

TripleOvertime said:

Very well then. To me it sounds like you don't have the same Problem that my friend does. His "son" literally will never call him dad and doesn't respect him at all. Which is strange because the kid never knew his real dad and my friend has been a great father figure to him for man years. I honestly think the boy was told by someone that my friend isn't his dad so he doesn't have to listen to him. Like I said, don't think that is your problem.

Perhaps we are overthinking this a little to much and we can chalk it up to him being a teenage boy with a little attitude. I have no doubts you and your wife are doing everything you know that's right to raise him... that's easy to tell even from a stranger on the interwebz.

Had you said he struggles in school and doesn't consider me his father I would think we would be on to something, but that obviously isn't the case.

So, how long as he been acting like this? His whole life? Just recently?

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I have a stepdad and he raised me since 5 yo, I did the same shit, you arent my dad, so you cant tell me shit, etc... looking back I'm 28 now, its a cop out. I way to get out of responsibility. I wish he would have said fuck that I am your dad, and you are gonna listen to me or its your ass. Or something along those lines.

Raising boys is much different than boys. Boys need chores/responsibilities, and to be taught to give respect, you have to be strict with them, and dont budge, or they will go on thinking they run the show and no one can tell them shit. If anyone in the world should be telling them shit, it is the father figure in his life, and if he wont listen to the father figure, then really who the fuck is he going to listen to?

Just saw this thread and I think it has all pretty much been said.
I will add this though:

He does consider you his father. You are the only one he has ever known and it is obvious you take the title seriously.
Remaining the adult in the equation and keeping your calm will speak volumes to him as to how to interact with others. Maybe not immediately but with time. This adolescence is a blink of an eye compared to the rest of his life as a person in society.
same goes for your daughters btw.

I took my wife's 13 and 14 years under my wing we we got together. Their father focused more on his 3-5 yo "new kids" with new wife. The boy was an absolute pill during a few phases as was the daughter. Now at 21 and 22 they frequently take the time to thank me for not playing the nice guy and making every interaction a "lesson".
They are amazing kids and I love them dearly.
Seeing how they have turned out as People is more reward to me than I could ever ask for.

The only thing I sort of feel bad about is that my actions have unmasked the shortcomings of their father, who has shown them the negative yin to my yang lessons.

Oh, I did want to smack the shit out of them from time to time, but restrained myself. Full disclosure.

Ill bump this thread in about 12 years and add my input.

My nephew (10 years old) lives with me and has for the last two years. He has made a ton of progress since living with my wife and I. He now sleeps in his own bedroom, has gained a ton of confidence and school has gotten better. However, he still gets a little mouthy with my wife and always seems to give her a harder time than he will me. Just defiant. I feel like we have a good conversation with understanding and then two days later the same behavior comes back. Its a never ending struggle.,

Montego1 said:

So I saw the thread about guys with daughters and JUST had a blow up with my son.

He's 13. Although he's not my blood son, I've raised him since he was 4 so he's mine just the same.

Over the last little while, he's been pretty hateful to his sisters and mother. Told one sister (his twin) he didn't want to be related to her and hated her. Always pretty rude to his other two sisters as well. He constantly talks back and argues with his mother. Tries to talk over her and so on.

I have NEVER yelled at my wife in front of our kids. EVER. And the only time I can think of raising my voice to her is back when we still drank over 5 years ago. My oldest daughter sees this and has made comments about couples she hears about and how "that's not how my dad treats my mom so I would never let it happen" and so on. That makes a husband and dad happy I guess.

I'm just missing something with him I suppose? I try not to treat him differently. I'm pretty stern with all the kids and, I will raise my voice if they try to argue. He just doesn't seem to get the fucking message unless I'm about to stroke out from elevated BP.

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Boys are just a different beast IMO (a father here) and DO need to be treated a bit differently than the girls They have that thing (testosterone) all of us in this forum love and it makes them behave and lash out (especially at that age). Plus i also believe, like animals, boys are always testing the family hierarchy to see if they can be on top and need to be brought back to reality every now and then

Montego1 said:

So I saw the thread about guys with daughters and JUST had a blow up with my son.

He's 13. Although he's not my blood son, I've raised him since he was 4 so he's mine just the same.

Over the last little while, he's been pretty hateful to his sisters and mother. Told one sister (his twin) he didn't want to be related to her and hated her. Always pretty rude to his other two sisters as well. He constantly talks back and argues with his mother. Tries to talk over her and so on.

I have NEVER yelled at my wife in front of our kids. EVER. And the only time I can think of raising my voice to her is back when we still drank over 5 years ago. My oldest daughter sees this and has made comments about couples she hears about and how "that's not how my dad treats my mom so I would never let it happen" and so on. That makes a husband and dad happy I guess.

I'm just missing something with him I suppose? I try not to treat him differently. I'm pretty stern with all the kids and, I will raise my voice if they try to argue. He just doesn't seem to get the fucking message unless I'm about to stroke out from elevated BP.

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You getting angry with him is going to make it worse. I would take him to a psychiatrist who does therapy and med mgmt. It could just be teenage hormones
or there could be some personality disorder or mental illness.

I'm not keyboard jockeying. I have two teenage sons and a daughter.