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Funny Shit

Little Wing

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Get Shredded!
Anger management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know,take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number & dialled it.

A man answered , saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ' wrong ' number again. The same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote down his number with the word 'asshole' next to it and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying the bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him and yell "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When 'caller ID' came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you are familiar with our caller ID program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back & said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn & yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, ( I had his number on speed dial ) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes it is" he said."Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out in the front."

-"What's your name?" I asked.
-"My name is Don Hansen" he said.
-"When's a good time to catch you Don?"
-"I'm home every evening after five."
-"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
-"Yes?"
-"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up & added his number to my speed dial. Now when I had a bad day, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.
-"You're an asshole!" ( but I didn't hang up. )
-"Are you still there?" he asked.
-"Yeah" I said.
-"Stop calling me !" he screamed.
-"Make me !" I said
-"Who are you?" he asked
-"My name is Don Hansen."
-"Yeah ? Where do you live?"
-"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said " I'm coming over right now Don, and you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole!"
Then I called asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.
-"Hello , asshole!" I said
-"He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are."
-"You'll what?" I said.
-"I'll kick your ass !" he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street & that I was on my way home to kill my gay lover. Then I called channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car & headed over to 34th street. There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter & a news crew.

Anger management does work !
 
Politically Correct
Terms for Females
Author unknown

She does not get PMS,
she becomes hormonally homicidal.

She does not have a killer body,
she is terminally attractive.

She is not a bad cook,
she is microwave compatible.

She is not a bad driver,
she is automotively challenged.

She is not a Perfect 10,
she is numerically superior.

She is not easy,
she is horizontally accessible.

She does not hate sports on TV,
she is athletically biased.

She does not have sexy lips,
she is collagen dependent.

She does not get drunk,
she is accidentally over served or
she becomes verbally dyslexic.

You do not ask her to dance,
you request a precoital rhythmic experience.

She is not a gossip,
she is a verbal terminator.

She does not work out too much,
she is an abdominal overachiever.

She does not have a great butt,
she is gluteus to the maximus.

She is not hooked on soap operas,
she is melodramatically fixated.

She is not cold or frigid,
she is thermally incompatible.

She does not wear too much makeup,
she is cosmetically oversaturated.

She does not have great cleavage or a great rack,
her breasts are centrally located.

She does not have big hooters,
her cups runneth over.

She will never gain weight,
she will become a metabolic underachiever.

She is not a screamer or a moaner,
she is vocally appreciative.

She does not shave her legs,
she experiences temporary stubble reduction.

She does not have a hard body,
she is anatomically inflexible.

She does not sun bathe,
she experiences solar enhancement.

Her breasts will never sag,
they will lose their vertical hold.

She does not shop too much,
she is overly susceptible to marketing ploys.

She does not cut you off,
she becomes horizontally inaccessible.

She does not have big hair,
she is overly aerosoled.

She does not snore,
she is nasally repetitive.

She is not too skinny,
she is skeletally prominent.
 
If the World was fair to Guys...
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and a "cheers for the sex - now f*** off" would pretty much do it.


Birth control would come in ale or lager.


Valentine's Day would be moved to 29th February so it would only occur in leap years.


On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.


The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle."


Instead of "beer-belly," you'd get "beer-biceps."


Tanks would be far easier to rent.


Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.


When the Police pull you over, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.


Example:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one, that's $20 off."


Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.


Every man would get four, real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.


Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.


When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the ball goes out of play.


Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you."


The funniest guy in the office would get to be the CEO.


"Sorry, but I got wasted last night," would be an acceptable excuse for absence and/or poor time keeping.


Lifeguards could remove people from beaches for violating the public ugliness ordinance.


Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.


Lager would have the same effect as Viagra.


"Fancy a shag" would be the only chat up line in existence and it would work every time.


Everyone would drive at least 70mph and anyone driving under that would be fined.


Dinner break would happen every hour and the boss would hire in strippers and $2000 a night hookers for the duration of those breaks.


Saying "Let's have a threesome. You, me and your sister" to your wife/girlfriend would get the response, "What a great idea!"


Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.


Everyone would have real a Light Sabre and any disagreements would be settled by a fight to the death.


Vomiting after 20 pints would actually make you more attractive to the opposite sex.


Along with your milk in the morning, the milkman would deliver two Swedish milk maids.


When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd get to slide down the back of a Brontosaurus just like Fred Flintstone.


"Yes" would be an acceptable answer to a woman"s question of "Does my bum look big in this?"
 
20 Things I Learned From Action Movies
Author unknown


1 No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.


2 To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.


3 There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type that want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.


4 If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.


5 If I can find an important enough mission, it will supersede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.


6 If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.


7 If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.


8 Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.


9 If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.


10 my arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.


11 When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a "flesh wound," which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.


12 If I'm white I will befriend at least one black guy, or one white guy if I'm black. If I am Latino the monster / villain will kill me halfway through the film, urging the hero to even greater levels of violence.


13 If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.


14 If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.


15 If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.


16 If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.


17 If I am given a surprise attack, I will be attacked by only one or maybe two people at a time, and I will find that I am well-skilled in Karate and Jujitsu, and if all else fails, I will always have one last firearm hidden somewhere on my body.


18 If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like "Rick," or "Steve."


19 Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.


20 While chasing or fleeing from an enemy, I can drive anything with a motor recklessly at 100-130 miles per hour without a seatbelt, with ammunition filling the passenger seat, and nothing will fall out of place Also, no police will ever catch me; they'll just look in amazement in my direction.
 
IML Gear Cream!
I like it better when you are surly, can you start a Surly Shit thread?
 
Well that escalated quickly!! Haha
 
Have you ever heard the saying look out what you ask for you might just get it?

Never mind........
 
Have you ever heard the saying look out what you ask for you might just get it?

Never mind........

lol. I was thinking of that saying when I posted those. I was just reading some of my surly shit at IM telling mods their ban hammers were all floppy...


some of my IM battles.
- - - Updated - - -

quote_icon.png
Originally Posted by Madmann
wind



stfu eddie.

knock on my door you pussy... i'll knock your tooth out myself.
 
I had a few epic battles there. Some troll named eddie drove me crazy and SFW and I went a few rounds. Someone said I was on the rag in Open Chat a pg area and I wanted it removed cuz Prince wanted that shit kept in Anything Goes...


quote_icon.png
Originally Posted by Little Wing

nope. not even close. the whole thing began when you made an ignorant troll like comment in open chat and i didn't just let it slide. you been screaming like a butt raped chihuahua and throwing your puny little neg dick around ever since.


quote_icon.png
Originally Posted by Little Wing

dear god... how many of you guys have ever actually seen a real vagina?

i'm 51. i stopped having them about a year ago.


It ended up with SFW telling me to alert him if Eddie posted dumb shit and he'd edit it into something erotic for me. lol.
 
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Get Shredded!
If someone is a db I will get into it with them but they usually have to fire the first shot.
 
I negged Heavy when he showed up to IM. That was fun.
 

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from my battle with heavyiron


how's this?

vicbt134.gif


you're one of "those" guys aren't you.

i love the these forums take some getting used to part. i have how many posts here?

and while you were on these forums and got so much experience how many guys did you meet called Little Wing?


:coffee:
 
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So, I have been on the net for years at various sites and I got my first neg rep the other day at this site. Apparently I got under some chicks skin that hasn't been laid in months. I know she hasn't been laid (at least correctly) or I wouldn't have been negged. If she has been laid recently then her man must really suck at intercourse. That is if she likes it with men. I don't know.

Anyway if you check out my profile you will see who it was that negged me. Since I am a porn star in the sack I was all mellow and gave her positive reps back because that's the cool dude that I am. However, karma is a bitch so if you are so inclined maybe you could make things right with the universe and neg this bitch into oblivion and while you are at it you could give me positive reps and all shall be repaid in this thread.

I am positive repping ANYONE who posts in this thread including the whore who negged me because again I am such a cool cat like that.

So lets all straighten out what hes been done here and start positive repping those who enter this thread.

Thanks bro's and hoe's!




dear heavy,

i'm sorry i negged you but i really must explain. these little points cannot be turned in to buy a banjo or backne cream. please try and relax about them.


:popcorn:
 
Looks like Heavy hasn't posted on IM in a month Good news is he is everywhere.
 

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Three dead guys are in line waiting to get into heaven. Before they go in, St. Peter asks them how did they die. So he asks the first man and the first man says, "Well I've suspected for a while that my wife had been cheating on me with another man so I came home early from work on purpose. When I got back to the apartment she was lying naked in bed like she had just been having sex. So I checked under the bed and there was no one there. I checked in the closet and there was no one there, so I looked on the balcony and there was some guy hanging from the railing. I got so angry I beat his hands until he fell, then I ran back in the apartment, grabbed the refrigerator, brought it back out, and dropped over the railing right on top of him. Then I was so mad I had a heart attack and died and came here."


St. Peter said, "It sounds like you've had it rough, so I'll let you in."

The next man walks up and gets asked the same question. So this man says, "I was in my apartment when I slipped and fell over the railing. I was able to grab onto the railing of the apartment below me but then this guy starts pounding on my fists until I fall. As I was falling I burst into prayer and I landed on a bunch of soft bushes and was thanking God... Then he goes and dumps this refrigerator on me and I wound up here."

St. Peter lets this guy in too because he has also had it rough.


Then the third guy comes up and is also asked the question. This guy replies, "Okay, so I'm banging this married chick when the husband comes home early. So I go and hide in the refrigerator..."
 
New users that stumble upon the tranny threads at IM... :coffee:
 

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