I had mine done by the Navy, it's not a gentle story. Come with me as I tell this sordid tale.
Fade back to 1982, Dover AFB.
Starts out by me knocking up the future exwife, who I affectionately refer to as the cunt, when I was a young lad at the tender age of 23. After a shotgun wedding and her spewing forth the devils spawn I decided never again shall I spill my seed in such vile territory. Oh I'd blow every hole she had full of my man juice , but I was determined it was never to take root again.
I sought out a doctor on base to do the deed and was met with resistance on all fronts. Fucking Air Force pussies. I was told "your too young" "you might want children someday ", they had obviously never met Satan's daughter in the waiting room, with beelzebub feeding from her udder. I was devastated, this bitch was more fertile than a catholic school girl and my swimmers could beat Michael Phelps Olympic record. After the doctor left the room the Puerto Rican nurse I had whispered "the Navy will do it for jou eh". I could have kissed her except she had a better moustache than me and, well, was Puerto Rican.
So it's off to Bethesda, fuck yeah I'm nervous but this is where the president goes, it's got to be golden. Think again.
Satans daughter didn't warm up to the idea of her walking welfare check drying up and put up resistance. I had to explain to everyone, including her mom, how this was actually a sign of my love for her and would help our relationship. What a crock of shit, I hated her but lied my ass off and thwarted the intervention.
The big day arrives and because I'm a broke ass GI with a beat up Toyota truck, that the cunt had to use to go to receive her mother of the year award, I had to take the shuttle bus full of old VA guys to the hospital. There were more colostomy bags on that van than one could count, it was a pleasant aroma abounding forth. Of course I had to tell my story to everyone of those codgers, ten times. Each one of them it seems had 20 kids and gave me shit for it, or maybe it was just the leaky bag he was wearing.
About 10 miles from the hospital the Jimi Hendrix looking fucker driving the shuttle, who probably just dropped some purple haze, rear ends a car on the D.C. Beltway. Me and VA flatulence force one all end up in the front seat of the van with purple haze. I honestly think the colostomy bag saved our lives, acting as an airbag of sorts.
So now the van is wrecked, there's shit every where, couple of the old timers are banged up pretty good and I'll not get my nuts clipped at this rate. I truly believe the dark forces of hell were working against me to stop my scheme for sterility.
After an hour or so of post crash goings on a second van arrives and takes us to the hospital, how ironic we were going there crash or not, it was our destiny.
Now any of you ever been in the military know how things must work on a schedule and they're pretty rigid about keeping it. So I know I'm in trouble and I know they'll never believe my story. The sign in desk tells me I've missed my appointment and I'll have to come back. I'm crushed, I'm about to go home tail tucked, a defeated man. I sit down in a chair, because I have no transportation, van is wrecked and I'd have to wait for a few hours for the cunt to come get me, if ever. There's no cell phones invented yet and I have no idea where she is anyway, I'm fucked. I ask the sign in lady if I can use the phone and I explain my scenario. I must have been pathetic enough cause she says they might be able to squeeze my vasectomy in before lunch. I didnt like the way she used the word squeeze and my balls in the same sentence but I said yes.
I finally get in the exam room and a large black male Navy nurse guy comes in and tells me to take off my clothes and gives me a gown to wear. He doesn't leave the room while I undress, military thing I guess. I drop my draws and he looks over and says "I see you didn't shave", in an annoyed voice. Did I tell you this was 1982? Who shaved then? It was a full on porn bush I was sporting, c'mon I was a manly man. Now he's kinda pissed and he mumbled something about missing lunch and a white boy, I'm pretty sure. He goes to a drawer and gets out a Bic razor and approaches me and says " now I have to shave your shit" he's really not happy now. He grabs my unit and goes to shaving. I'm not exactly small in the sausage dept but it was cold as hell in there and it was like grabbing a button a fur coat. This guy is just hacking and slashing and I'm sure I won't have nuts left to clip by the time he's done. After about 10 minutes of blood and hair flying everywhere he's done. I looked down terrified of what I'll see and find he's given me a rather nice high and tight. I thought to my self how ridiculous I looked. Little did I know I was rocking cutting edge manscaping years ahead of anyone else.
The doctor walks in, smoking a cigarette and says "let's get his done I'm late for lunch", big black nurse rolls his eyes. I'm starting to sweat in a 37 degree room. Doc smashes his cig out, flips the towel back on the tray of what can only be described as medieval torture looking implements and reaches for a syringe that is usually reserved for veterinary purposes. He looks up and says "this might sting a bit" and proceeds to skewer my boys, I almost passed out. As things started to numb up I wiped the tears from my eyes before they could see them. During this the nurse peels what looks an ekg pad open and sticks it to my leg and connects a wire. I would realize shortly that this was for cauterizing. I don't know how long your supposed to give lidocaine to work but I'm sure it was longer than they waited. Doctor takes a scalpel to my sack and a searing sensation is felt immediately, this time they saw the tears. He said I'm almost done and another shot would hurt as much, he continued. Gotta love military bed side manner.
He finished the incision and after wiping the cold sweat off my brow I started breathing again. He then reaches for what looks like a crochet hook, I know what these are, my grandmother used them to make blankets. He sticks it in the incision and fishes around for the tube, Novocain has kicked in by now. When he finds it he tugs it out rather far, I feel a pull in my gut and my left eye sinks in about a half inch. He clamps it and snips a section out. Grabbing what looks like a soldering iron he steps on pedal and a couple poofs of smoke later it's done. I thought no problem I can take this. He goes about fishing the other one out, clamps and snips. Here comes the electrode again, he touches it to the little noodle looking thing he's cut, steps on the pedal and holy fuck! Electric shock hits me right in the nut all the way to the little ekg pad on my leg, think lightning. I levitate off the table and spasm like a mental patient who's just gotten electro therapy on their brain. I shit you not he looks at me and says " did you feel that?" The only thing that keeps me from killing him was the overwhelming urge to puke. Black nurse was wide eyes now and has backed up a bit. The doc has now rethunk the second Novocain shot and gives me another one.
He finishes up and sews my traumatized bag up and sheepishly apologizes. Exits to his martini lunch. The nurse helps me put on a jock strap, tells me to ice it good and hands me a small envelope with some codiene in it and shows me out. I made my way back to the hospital motor pool and caught another van home, longest ride ever.
The boys blew up pretty good and bruised up nice with all the colors of the rainbow, I didn't care, mission accomplished.
So no matter what happens to you when it gets done, remember old TG's story. It could be so much worse.